One problem about creating a family as lesbians is that it's very hard to be spontaneous about it. I mean, being able to skip all of the discussions on the online mom groups about birth control and breastfeeding was AWESOME, but I'm always a bit jealous of the couples who can just start trying on a whim. We have always said we wanted to have kids 2-3 years apart. Well, E is 2 yrs and 5 mths, so that ship has sailed... but we can still see it on the horizon. I guess I have to go back a few months to explain how we got here. And by "here" I mean back in the so-called "Two-Week-Wait" before we find out if we are going to have a baby. I like to call this time Schrodinger's Uterus. Since pregnancy math starts on the first day of your last menstrual cycle, once you introduce sperm, you are simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant until you take the test.
Anyways, back to how we got here. Since E was a few months old, A has been working in a lab part time. This was great because it meant that she was done before I went to work and we didn't have to pay for day care. Things were going well and we were going to start trying for our next baby in the summer. Unfortunately, in the sping, A found out they were combining the 2 part time positions into one full time position for her supervisor. Although she has a good amount of experience in the field, she is lacking a certification and wasn't able to fine a job in the same position. After a few months she was hired in a lab but at a lower position. We had planned on waiting 3 months so she would qualify for FML, but since she wasn't making as much as we anticipated, we just couldn't see how to make the finances work. We were feeling pretty stuck. Then one of A's coworkers asked her to start a program that would make her eligible for the certification exam with her. All of the programs A had looked into required far more prerequisites than this one and its seemed like it would take forever taking one class at a time. This one was has much more basic prereqs, is completely online, and only takes 10 months. It was the break we needed. We decided to wait until she was about half way through the course and then start trying. We would be a bit behind our family planning schedule, but it was close enough.
Okay, now we are caught up to last week. Books were being bought and online profiles were being created. We were discussing what her job would become after she got the certification. One of her co-workers who had been really encouraging her was talking to her about trying to get them to create a completely different position for her. The catch is that her coworker is planning on retiring in just over a year and the changes would all be set in motion by his retirement. We realized that would mean our current plans put her on maternity leave right at that time, and that wasn't ideal. Then we had the brilliant idea that she should take the certification exam while on maternity leave and come back to a new position. Which meant we needed to start trying RIGHT NOW. If we contacted the cryobank the next morning, there was just enough time to probably try this month. So we did it. Its as close to being spontaneous as we can really get. Funnily enough, I was reading old blog posts and its very similar to the cycle we conceived E on- we had decided to stop trying for a while and at the last minute called the bank and tried anyways.
If feels a little surreal. Honestly, it felt more than a little irresponsible. Beyond the fact that being able to afford to be a family of 4 hinges on a job she doesn't have yet that requires a certifications she can't even try to get for 10 month, we hadn't been "tracking" as seriously as we should. With how much money is on the line each month, its a good idea to be very confident of the timing (down to about 12 hours). Luckily, I think we did good.
So there you have it. In 2 weeks, we either be bursting at the seams or remembering WHY trying to conceive is so damn hard.
To reward you for sticking with me through this slightly disjointed, vague post, I will answer some FAQs that I have just made up--
Who is going to carry this time? Most likely you know this from previous blogs or real life, but it's A's turn! We always planned on us each carrying one child. More than that we are open to, and will probably foster-to-adopt unless one of us feels very strongly about being pregnant again.
Are you sad you it's not you? Every once and a while, but mostly I'm excited to be actively trying again. I'm also really excited to not go through pregnancy while doing my hectic, strenuous, sometimes dangerous job. And I get parental leave anyways, so that will be awesome! Also, I'm excited for A, since she has wanted this as long as I've known her. I occasionally felt guilty that I got to go first.
Did you use the same donor? Yes! As soon as we heard E's heartbeat and were confident the pregnancy would "stick" we ordered more vials of the same donor and have been paying to store them ever since. Obviously our supply is limited (and the donor is sold out), but I'm more worried about picking a donor than about our children not sharing a donor. If you are curious about that process here is a blog about it.
Who are you telling? NO ONE! Don't take it personally, but last time we told a lot of people we were trying, we were on online groups, and there was a whole cheerleading section who knew exactly when we would find out. The support was great, but it got really hard to tell everyone every month that it didn't work. We also want to be able to tell everyone when it is good news in our own way. If it starts taking a while, we will probably tell some people, but not specifics again. Actually, although I'm writing this blog in January, it won't be posted until we announce a pregnancy.
Do you want a girl or boy? We've always said we wanted a boy and a girl, but as soon as we found out E was a girl, we realized we don't care all that much. Mostly, we felt relief that we didn't have to come up with a boy name since we were having a hard time. We actually don't plan on finding out our next baby's sex until birth.
Have other questions? Post a comment!
Showing posts with label 2145. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2145. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Friday, November 30, 2012
Non-Biological Perspective
I don't think there was ever a conversation between my wife and I about whether or not we'd have kids. It was a given. I can't remember asking T if she wanted children; though I'm sure we talked about it and realized we both wanted them at some point and it was never going to be a debate.
"T is going to get all the attention because her pregnancy will be first. Someday when it's my turn, pregnancy will be old news because we'll also have a toddler running around and people won't be as excited about me and my baby. T is more special than I am, this baby will be more special than any babies who follow."
During the times that one of us would mention off-hand our future as a family with children, friends and family members often were curious as to how we'd accomplish that. Inevitably, someone would laugh and say, "Oh, there's always a turkey baster!" And that became the standing joke when the question of how we would achieve a pregnancy arose. As a young lesbian, I didn't give it much further thought.
A few years back, I found myself flooded in intense pregnancy-and-baby-wanting hormones. It was all I could think about, talk about, dream about. My wife was not in that place, and was daunted by my need for babies now.
One of my most trusted coping mechanisms became research. I researched anything and everything that could possibly be related to fertility, conception, pregnancy, birth, and most particularly, how to get pregnant when you don't have a male partner to bring the sperm. It was in this way that I discovered the wide world of sperm banks and "assisted reproduction". Whoa - did I suddenly have a lot to consider, or what?
I'd kept T up to date on all my findings, and we knew we wanted our children to one day have the option to contact their donor, so no problems there. We chose a sperm bank, we chose a donor (painstakingly, might I add), we chose a prenatal provider/birthing location. We chose to have the sperm shipped directly to our home so we could attempt to conceive our child without a doctor or meds. We chose to inseminate T first - she had better benefits and maternity leave options!
At first, I struggled with the idea of not getting to be pregnant after months of yearning. Then, I struggled with knowing that she would be first, and somehow, the two things were very separate from each other. T was going to have morning sickness, and her belly was going to swell, and she was going to feel that baby inside her. I had a short but intense bout of serious jealousy.
Sometimes when things don't go as I imagine, I punish myself with negativity. I think at times I'm really trying to cause myself pain by envisioning the worst and most hurtful things I can think of about the situation.
"T is going to get all the attention because her pregnancy will be first. Someday when it's my turn, pregnancy will be old news because we'll also have a toddler running around and people won't be as excited about me and my baby. T is more special than I am, this baby will be more special than any babies who follow."
In the midst of countless conversations about adding to our family, I managed only to think that my darling wife was subtracting something. How wrong of me. And yet, at our cores, desire and jealousy are very human emotions. I think it only would be legitimately wrong if I still felt those hurtful and negative things were true. Time and experience are the greatest of healers.
Once T became pregnant, we were unfathomably elated; full of so much joy it seemed we would burst. Finally, I was going to become a Mama.
Months into the pregnancy, my fears and doubts had been slowly rising to the surface and percolating until I began feeling some anxiety about parenting a child who wasn't related to me nor birthed by me. In my years of helping care for my foster brothers and sisters, babysitting countless children, and even loving our own foster children, never before had I doubted myself so much.
I felt like I drew the short straw. It devastated me to think that T got all the advantage when it came to this baby. She already was going to know this child when it was born, and I would be a stranger. She got to feel every time the baby bumped around, every hiccup and startle. She knew where the baby was lying, if she was asleep or awake. Once the baby was born, T was going to be able to breastfeed her and soothe her while nobody else could. I started feeling worthless, doomed to fail before our daughter even opened her eyes or took her first breath.
Slowly, our daughter started feeling more like T's daughter. The longer I fixated on all the things I wasn't going to be able to do, to help with, the worse it became. Soon, the baby T had been so carefully growing was further from me than ever before. The chasm was simply too wide to make the leap across.
I tentatively reached out to other queer families, other parents whom I thought would understand and be helpful. But all anybody had to say was to stop worrying. "You'll be fine, you'll see." It was incredibly isolating. I stopped telling people I was worried about being a mom; I didn't want to be perceived as weak or scared, even though I was.
As our daughter's due date loomed, I simply accepted that I couldn't tell the future. I didn't know what I didn't know, so I might as well just wait and see what happened after she got here. Despite my strongly-rooted concerns, I was really excited to finally meet her.
T went into labor right on time and our daughter was born on her due date. During the birth, I lay next to my wife and held her leg and sponged off her arms and legs and face with a cool cloth. I watched with mounting happiness as our daughter made her way into the world and was laid atop T. The midwife and the nurse rubbed the baby vigorously to get her to cry, and while they cleaned her up I noticed a disconnect within myself. That baby couldn't be mine. T looked at her, studied her face, touched all her little features, crooned soothingly to her. I didn't feel jealous that she was holding her. I had waited for so long for this baby, this moment, and all I felt was a disconcerting lack of desire to hold the baby.
T looked up at me and asked, "Do you want to hold her?" I could only manage to nod my head yes, and she passed me the baby, bundled in a blanket.
I cradled her up against my body, as I've held countless babies before her, and I looked down into her dark blue eyes. She saw my face; she saw me. I think in that tiny thread of time when her gaze captured mine, she saw everything. I was on display to her, and she changed me. Something inside my daughter is stronger than the demons I had flooding my better instincts. She told me that she needed me, and that more importantly, she wanted me.
The dam burst.
The wall fell.
The mask shattered.
All the barriers I'd been unconsciously erecting between me and our baby disappeared the night she was born. I can see now, in retrospect, that I was trying to protect myself from the perceived threat of rejection. Distance myself so that I might recover if this baby didn't claim me as one of her mothers.
Suddenly, I found I was caught in a torrent of hope and joy and longing and relief. Overwhelming gratitude. I was swept away by the strength of what my heart had been waiting for my mind to finally see - that this child doesn't know anything different than having two mothers. She only knows that she's got two moms who adore her. One mom grew her and birthed her, and one mom waited for her and loved her all the while.
Our daughter is going to be 3 months old tomorrow. In that time, all she's really done is prove to me over and over again that I can do this. That she loves me for me. Every time I see her after getting home from work and I get a huge gummy grin, my heart melts all over again. Every time I pick her up when she's upset and she stops crying, I feel proud and I feel validated.
Now, that all having been said, I would be lying if I told you that there weren't still some things that bothered me about being her non-biological parent.
It's unfortunate, but every time someone mentions how much she is like T, or her genetic relationship with T, it stings me. I've tried to convince myself that a celebration of the person she is related to is not automatically a slam on the person she is not related to. The pang of regret I feel every time T's supportive and loving family claims one of E's traits as their own is lessening with time, but it's still there. It's not their fault that it hurts me, and I hope they realize that. I believe that as E ages, she'll start exhibiting traits that she learned from me. A quirked eyebrow, a certain phrase or way of standing on one leg. Those things will undoubtedly make my heart sing and help in continuing to validate me.
I've wondered about the day that E finally does get to meet her donor. Will I feel inadequate? Irrelevant? Unimportant? Somehow, I just don't worry about that part. I don't feel threatened by the man who lives on inside our daughter. I feel grateful. I feel happy that someday E will have the opportunity to know him, if she wants. I will have been given the pleasure and privilege to raise our beautiful daughter for eighteen years, and she's going to know the depth of my love for her. Wanting to know her biological father can't take away my love for her, or her love for me.
I think the most important thing I've come to realize is that I am a work in progress. As E is learning new things all the time, I am also learning new things about myself. I cannot know what's around the next corner, but I can control how quickly or slowly I walk, and how carefully or recklessly I decide to proceed. My biggest challenge is getting out of my own way!
Every single day, I get to watch this little life grow and change. She is a gift, a person and a relationship I treasure and hold close. Despite my many fears before her birth, she is every ounce my daughter and every day she shows me that I am every bit her Mama. I am a better and a stronger person because of our Ev.
 |
| Me and E at Thanksgiving |
Friday, May 11, 2012
Donor Sperm: The Story Beneath the Baby
Lesbians across the country, nay, across the world may be dreaming of making babies of their own right at this very moment. I know of several, personally. As all of us know, two women cannot make a baby without "help". So, these women make a decision about how to get this new family member here. This is the first decision in a long line of decisions that will impact the rest of our lives and certainly our childrens' entire lives - and yet, many people using donor sperm (not just lesbians, there is a heterosexual couple faction as well as single moms) don't think about the lifelong repercussions.
I'm going to pause right here and mention a few things.
1. These are my opinions, based on my experiences as the biological child of an adopted person, a lesbian, a soon-to-be-mama of a donor-conceived daughter and someone who has spoken to many others about donor sperm topics.
2. I am not a professional, but I do believe strongly in what I'm about to tell you.
3. Please feel free to discuss respectfully in the Comments section, as this is certainly a "hot topic" for some - however, if any rudeness occurs, I am the comment moderator and I have no qualms about not allowing inappropriate comments.
Now that's over with, let's talk it out! As I mentioned above, the first decision is what kind of sperm donor to use. That depends on your wishes and your family structure. Are you looking for a co-parent, who is responsible for some parenting duties? An "uncle" figure who is involved with the child but does not make parenting decisions? A man who donated his sperm to a bank for others to purchase? Do you want your child to have the option of learning this man's identity at some point? Do you want him to always and forever remain completely anonymous?
There are thousands of combinations of ways people have brought children into this world using a donor, and I don't feel the need to outline them all, but the point I want to get across is that there are many more decisions to make, and it can be a daunting task. I think some people just get overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information they're trying to process; some become lazy and don't want to do the research. Some don't even realize how important this all is.
As a woman who has experienced the full-blown insane desire to have a baby NOW, RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT RIGHT NOW NOW NOW!, I completely understand why there is so much focus on the pregnancy and on the newborn baby. That's all I had in my mind's eye, for about a year of hormone-fueled craziness. I wasn't thinking about when that baby started asking questions about her origins, or when she had a genetics project in science class, or when she found a person to fall in love and have her own babies with. I certainly wasn't thinking about how much her life would be affected, knowing she's missing half her family medical history, half her DNA.
The "baby-craze" somewhat blew over, as we took foster children in and tentatively began planning trying to conceive our own baby. Life was big and hectic and busy and I didn't have a lot of available space in my brain for the politics of donor conception.
We decided to use a sperm donor from a bank, and we always knew we'd choose a Willing To Be Known Donor. This means that the donor has agreed to at least one contact between offspring and donor after the child turns 18. This is important to us because my mom was adopted as an infant, and we have only shreds of incomplete information about her family medical history. Not to mention the distinct lack of information about her biological father whatsoever. We don't even know his name, much less if he's still alive or what his traits are.
The issues surrounding donor conception have fascinated me from the start, and it was one of the reasons I attended the American Adoption Congress' conference a few weeks ago. I mentioned in my last blog that there were a few workshops and a meeting all centering around donor conception. Of course, I attended everything. One thing that came away that impacted me was one presenter, Kris, said several times that whenever a person is separated from their genetics, there will be adoption-type issues. Questioning, lack of a full family medical history, and wondering what the missing biological parent is like, just to mention a few.
The most important thing I brought away from these meetings and workshops is that honesty is always the best route to take.
A friend of mine, one whom I made easily and quickly right then at the conference, is herself both a lesbian and an adoptee. Being both these things made her realize how important it is to provide her future children with answers about their biology (well, as much as is possible, considering she's adopted...) because she lacks it and sees its importance. I think that as far as openness and honesty goes, for the child, the combination in my new friend is the most ideal one for a child to be brought into. She's really got the right idea about things. Tell the kids the truth, keep the biological father involved in their lives from the start, and raise them to understand that there isn't shame in their family structure. Just like AAC's new slogan says, "No Secrets, No Fear". I'm so looking forward to bearing witness to she and her partner's journey into parenthood! And I'm so glad for them that they've got the perfect friend to help them make babies. Bravo, ladies!
We hope that as E grows older, she cannot remember the first time she was told about her conception. We hope to weave her beginning into her life story as simple truth. We hope we can be open enough and fearless enough to let her ask whatever questions she has, and tell her what we know. We hope that she never experiences a moment when she feels as if she's "finally told the truth". I realize this means we're likely going to be talking with our daughter about sperm and eggs and penises and vaginas and uteruses a bit earlier than most families, but I sense this child is going to be far too smart for us to ever even want to lie to or try to deceive. I suspect 'the stork' is simply not a good enough answer. I just hope the parents of her friends can manage to not hate us too much when E tells their sons and daughters what she knows about sperm and eggs. I'm sorry in advance, if your kid is ever friends with my kid.
For me, I don't hold any resentment or embarrassment within myself that we had to have the help of a man to get our daughter. I'm glad. I'm glad for that man, and for men who donate their sperm and enable women to have babies they couldn't have otherwise. That being said, I do know that there are many people, men and women alike, who are upset about having to use donor sperm. It's embarrassing, for some men, to have to impregnate their wives with another man's genes. It's angering to some lesbians that they HAVE to put sperm inside themselves to grow their families. Sometimes, I think the anger and resentment and sense of loss (of one's full biological child) is astronomical and these are the families who either lie entirely about the donor conception, choose anonymous donors so their kids can never threaten to leave them for their "real dad", and resist any line of questioning about the child's parentage*. This is ultimately the choice of each family, and it is not my place to tell another family how they should parent their children. Everyone does the very best they can.
*This is absolutely not to say that every single family who falls into the above categories will behave this way, and is more a generalization than accusation.
In my family, we place great importance on E knowing whatever she wants and whatever she can learn. We are committed to not only doing our best for her as an infant, a child, an adolescent, and a teenager... but also looking out for her best interests as an adult. And to us, that means as much information about the other half of her genetics as we can possibly give her.
I think our only regret is not having the right person in our lives right now who could be our donor and be involved in her life, someone she could know from the beginning and ask her questions to. We knew that asking someone to be a donor for us was an immense burden and potentially a lot of heartache, and we just didn't feel anybody like that was in our lives. I commend anybody who is fortunate enough to have that right person; I'm quite jealous.
We can each only do our best by our kids.
I hope that maybe my thoughts might help someone think about some issues they hadn't considered before. I hope that everyone does think of their offspring not only as that deliriously desired pregnancy and brand new little squeezeable baby, but as their own person with their own rights to their own information.
My greatest hope is that one day, all donor-conceived individuals have access to their donors and their information. But things won't change until we change them. And here I am, asking you to help me fight for our kids' rights by demanding Willing To Be Known Donors from banks, and for not tolerating any banks dropping the ball in contacting the donors for our kids. This is the first step, until our kids all come of age and can really begin to affect change.
And one more thing: if it ever comes up, help other people to see why this is so important.
I'm going to pause right here and mention a few things.
1. These are my opinions, based on my experiences as the biological child of an adopted person, a lesbian, a soon-to-be-mama of a donor-conceived daughter and someone who has spoken to many others about donor sperm topics.
2. I am not a professional, but I do believe strongly in what I'm about to tell you.
3. Please feel free to discuss respectfully in the Comments section, as this is certainly a "hot topic" for some - however, if any rudeness occurs, I am the comment moderator and I have no qualms about not allowing inappropriate comments.
Now that's over with, let's talk it out! As I mentioned above, the first decision is what kind of sperm donor to use. That depends on your wishes and your family structure. Are you looking for a co-parent, who is responsible for some parenting duties? An "uncle" figure who is involved with the child but does not make parenting decisions? A man who donated his sperm to a bank for others to purchase? Do you want your child to have the option of learning this man's identity at some point? Do you want him to always and forever remain completely anonymous?
There are thousands of combinations of ways people have brought children into this world using a donor, and I don't feel the need to outline them all, but the point I want to get across is that there are many more decisions to make, and it can be a daunting task. I think some people just get overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information they're trying to process; some become lazy and don't want to do the research. Some don't even realize how important this all is.
As a woman who has experienced the full-blown insane desire to have a baby NOW, RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT RIGHT NOW NOW NOW!, I completely understand why there is so much focus on the pregnancy and on the newborn baby. That's all I had in my mind's eye, for about a year of hormone-fueled craziness. I wasn't thinking about when that baby started asking questions about her origins, or when she had a genetics project in science class, or when she found a person to fall in love and have her own babies with. I certainly wasn't thinking about how much her life would be affected, knowing she's missing half her family medical history, half her DNA.
The "baby-craze" somewhat blew over, as we took foster children in and tentatively began planning trying to conceive our own baby. Life was big and hectic and busy and I didn't have a lot of available space in my brain for the politics of donor conception.
We decided to use a sperm donor from a bank, and we always knew we'd choose a Willing To Be Known Donor. This means that the donor has agreed to at least one contact between offspring and donor after the child turns 18. This is important to us because my mom was adopted as an infant, and we have only shreds of incomplete information about her family medical history. Not to mention the distinct lack of information about her biological father whatsoever. We don't even know his name, much less if he's still alive or what his traits are.
The issues surrounding donor conception have fascinated me from the start, and it was one of the reasons I attended the American Adoption Congress' conference a few weeks ago. I mentioned in my last blog that there were a few workshops and a meeting all centering around donor conception. Of course, I attended everything. One thing that came away that impacted me was one presenter, Kris, said several times that whenever a person is separated from their genetics, there will be adoption-type issues. Questioning, lack of a full family medical history, and wondering what the missing biological parent is like, just to mention a few.
The most important thing I brought away from these meetings and workshops is that honesty is always the best route to take.
A friend of mine, one whom I made easily and quickly right then at the conference, is herself both a lesbian and an adoptee. Being both these things made her realize how important it is to provide her future children with answers about their biology (well, as much as is possible, considering she's adopted...) because she lacks it and sees its importance. I think that as far as openness and honesty goes, for the child, the combination in my new friend is the most ideal one for a child to be brought into. She's really got the right idea about things. Tell the kids the truth, keep the biological father involved in their lives from the start, and raise them to understand that there isn't shame in their family structure. Just like AAC's new slogan says, "No Secrets, No Fear". I'm so looking forward to bearing witness to she and her partner's journey into parenthood! And I'm so glad for them that they've got the perfect friend to help them make babies. Bravo, ladies!
We hope that as E grows older, she cannot remember the first time she was told about her conception. We hope to weave her beginning into her life story as simple truth. We hope we can be open enough and fearless enough to let her ask whatever questions she has, and tell her what we know. We hope that she never experiences a moment when she feels as if she's "finally told the truth". I realize this means we're likely going to be talking with our daughter about sperm and eggs and penises and vaginas and uteruses a bit earlier than most families, but I sense this child is going to be far too smart for us to ever even want to lie to or try to deceive. I suspect 'the stork' is simply not a good enough answer. I just hope the parents of her friends can manage to not hate us too much when E tells their sons and daughters what she knows about sperm and eggs. I'm sorry in advance, if your kid is ever friends with my kid.
For me, I don't hold any resentment or embarrassment within myself that we had to have the help of a man to get our daughter. I'm glad. I'm glad for that man, and for men who donate their sperm and enable women to have babies they couldn't have otherwise. That being said, I do know that there are many people, men and women alike, who are upset about having to use donor sperm. It's embarrassing, for some men, to have to impregnate their wives with another man's genes. It's angering to some lesbians that they HAVE to put sperm inside themselves to grow their families. Sometimes, I think the anger and resentment and sense of loss (of one's full biological child) is astronomical and these are the families who either lie entirely about the donor conception, choose anonymous donors so their kids can never threaten to leave them for their "real dad", and resist any line of questioning about the child's parentage*. This is ultimately the choice of each family, and it is not my place to tell another family how they should parent their children. Everyone does the very best they can.
*This is absolutely not to say that every single family who falls into the above categories will behave this way, and is more a generalization than accusation.
In my family, we place great importance on E knowing whatever she wants and whatever she can learn. We are committed to not only doing our best for her as an infant, a child, an adolescent, and a teenager... but also looking out for her best interests as an adult. And to us, that means as much information about the other half of her genetics as we can possibly give her.
I think our only regret is not having the right person in our lives right now who could be our donor and be involved in her life, someone she could know from the beginning and ask her questions to. We knew that asking someone to be a donor for us was an immense burden and potentially a lot of heartache, and we just didn't feel anybody like that was in our lives. I commend anybody who is fortunate enough to have that right person; I'm quite jealous.
We can each only do our best by our kids.
I hope that maybe my thoughts might help someone think about some issues they hadn't considered before. I hope that everyone does think of their offspring not only as that deliriously desired pregnancy and brand new little squeezeable baby, but as their own person with their own rights to their own information.
My greatest hope is that one day, all donor-conceived individuals have access to their donors and their information. But things won't change until we change them. And here I am, asking you to help me fight for our kids' rights by demanding Willing To Be Known Donors from banks, and for not tolerating any banks dropping the ball in contacting the donors for our kids. This is the first step, until our kids all come of age and can really begin to affect change.
And one more thing: if it ever comes up, help other people to see why this is so important.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Donor Profile # 2 1 4 5
I think it's natural that people are curious about how we became pregnant. After all, everyone knows two women with no outside ... erm, influences, can't make a baby together. So of course, people want to know how that baby came to live in T's uterus. We have no problem with that.
For anybody who still IS wondering how we did that, I want you to be "in the know". You're welcome. We used a sperm donor, whose genetic material we purchased for exorbitant fees on the internet.
Still want to know more? Okay, you asked for it.
We specifically chose a sperm bank based out of Washington that will ship liquid nitrogen charged tanks with the specimens inside to our house. Most banks will only ship these tanks (dewars) to doctors' offices, and if they'll ship it to your house, you have to have a note from a doctor saying that they're aware that the patient is inseminating at home. We thought that was crap, so we picked a bank that didn't require a doctor's permission. Most people don't ask permission from their doctor before getting pregnant. We didn't feel the need to either. After going through a lengthy decision-making process about which donor, we ordered the vials and specified what date we needed the tank to arrive. Just before we were ready to inseminate, we let one vial sit out for a few minutes (it was cryogenically frozen, trust me, you DON'T want to touch the vial directly out of the tank) and then I'd hold it or stick it in my cleavage to thaw it. High tech, right?
Then I'd use a small syringe with a sterile, one time use catheter attached to its tip to draw up the sperm and then insert it into T's cervix. We did two inseminations per cycle for five cycles. The fifth cycle worked!
Back to the donor. The process for choosing who was to biologically contribute to our children was daunting, at best. Initially, we had a list of "requirements" for the donor to meet. We had a lot of "requirements". We plugged all the factors into the bank's search engine and behold, there were zero donors who met all the requirements. That set us back, I'll tell ya. We had to reconsider a lot of our factors. We ended up actually going through the entire donor database and we made our own Excel color-coded spreadsheet to compare them. We ranked each donor from 1 to 10 and then took the 9s and 10s and evaluated again.
The first and foremost important thing was that the donor was Willing to Be Known - a term that means the donor is willing to have contact with the conceived child once the child is 18 years old. After that we studied the family medical history. Donors with families who had histories of breast cancer or heart disease were automatically nixed. We considered other conditions or trends on a case-by-case basis. We just wanted to give our kid a decent shot at life. Then we considered his Rh factor and his CMV status. Both T and myself are Rh negative, so we thought it would be great to have an Rh negative donor. Surprisingly there are NOT a lot of Rh negative donors out there. CMV means Cytomegalo Virus, it's a sexually transmitted infection that the majority of the population actually has been exposed to. It can be dangerous for the baby if the mother is CMV negative and she inseminates with CMV positive sperm, but CMV is interesting in that it only is contagious in cycles. Per bank policy, all donors are negative for contagious CMV but they do accept donors who are dormant positives. It's not something that can be passed via sperm donor because of this bank policy. Still, CMV status is something the bank provides about each donor so we thought if it worked out, a CMV negative donor would be a plus.
After those factors it got pretty murky. We did choose a Caucasian donor, but his heritage didn't matter hugely. Neither did hair/eye color. We considered his height/weight just because we didn't want somebody too short or gigantic.
We read through many, many essay questions and tried to glean something of what that donor's personality would be like. It's really hard to do that! I mean, these are college guys, so mostly they answer the questions in as short a response possible. Second, I imagine the bank tells the donors to try and sell themselves, so how much faith can I really put in the truth of his response? You can try and take some information from handwriting... but only so much. If any. Really, nothing. We had some things we hoped to see as hobbies/aptitudes/education, but again, only so much you can control.
At the end of it all, we had several donors to choose from. I called the bank and discovered that not only did we like those certain donors, but a lot of other people must too because some didn't have very many vials left, or only had vials in quarantine that wouldn't be released for six months. We wanted to buy twelve vials, so the donors who only had three vials were out. By the time we found two donors we liked very much who both also had a lot of vials available, we were SO tired of trying to decide. We bought the "extended profile"s on the two donors and made a decision on 2145 because his extended medical history was better and he had a more olive skin tone. And because there were stories of several women who got pregnant on their first attempt. And other reasons that fail me right now.
We'd kind of realized that it's all just a crap shoot. You don't know who you're going to be given to parent, and we can't control what genes come through and which don't. We tried to do the best we could and that had to be enough.
So here's some of the information on our donor:
5'11, 190 lbs
dark brown hair, brown eyes
Norwegian, Maltese, English, German, Irish, and Italian ancestry
Thick, wavy hair, fair complected, medium bone structure, right handed
Wears contacts
Enjoys track, football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, weightlifting, and jogging
At the time of donation, this guy was probably 20 or 21. All the vials we've used so far have been from 2009, so we assume he's 23 or 24 now. Since he's young still, his parents are young still and there wasn't much in his family medical history. Maternal grandmother with high blood pressure, a grandfather with a bladder infection, and he and his siblings had acne in high school. Nothing terribly exciting.
I'm not going to transcribe all his short-answer questions; if you're ever THAT curious I'll let you look through his folder someday. :)
Okay! Long enough.
OH! I forgot, real quick, to mention that we've already found a donor sibling. Interestingly, his name is Rhys, which has been on our list of boy names for like two years. But now we won't use it. That would be strange. Half-brothers with the same name who were raised states apart. He's very cute! I can't wait to see who is growing inside T.
For serious now, I'm going. Goodnight!
For anybody who still IS wondering how we did that, I want you to be "in the know". You're welcome. We used a sperm donor, whose genetic material we purchased for exorbitant fees on the internet.
Still want to know more? Okay, you asked for it.
We specifically chose a sperm bank based out of Washington that will ship liquid nitrogen charged tanks with the specimens inside to our house. Most banks will only ship these tanks (dewars) to doctors' offices, and if they'll ship it to your house, you have to have a note from a doctor saying that they're aware that the patient is inseminating at home. We thought that was crap, so we picked a bank that didn't require a doctor's permission. Most people don't ask permission from their doctor before getting pregnant. We didn't feel the need to either. After going through a lengthy decision-making process about which donor, we ordered the vials and specified what date we needed the tank to arrive. Just before we were ready to inseminate, we let one vial sit out for a few minutes (it was cryogenically frozen, trust me, you DON'T want to touch the vial directly out of the tank) and then I'd hold it or stick it in my cleavage to thaw it. High tech, right?
Then I'd use a small syringe with a sterile, one time use catheter attached to its tip to draw up the sperm and then insert it into T's cervix. We did two inseminations per cycle for five cycles. The fifth cycle worked!
Back to the donor. The process for choosing who was to biologically contribute to our children was daunting, at best. Initially, we had a list of "requirements" for the donor to meet. We had a lot of "requirements". We plugged all the factors into the bank's search engine and behold, there were zero donors who met all the requirements. That set us back, I'll tell ya. We had to reconsider a lot of our factors. We ended up actually going through the entire donor database and we made our own Excel color-coded spreadsheet to compare them. We ranked each donor from 1 to 10 and then took the 9s and 10s and evaluated again.
The first and foremost important thing was that the donor was Willing to Be Known - a term that means the donor is willing to have contact with the conceived child once the child is 18 years old. After that we studied the family medical history. Donors with families who had histories of breast cancer or heart disease were automatically nixed. We considered other conditions or trends on a case-by-case basis. We just wanted to give our kid a decent shot at life. Then we considered his Rh factor and his CMV status. Both T and myself are Rh negative, so we thought it would be great to have an Rh negative donor. Surprisingly there are NOT a lot of Rh negative donors out there. CMV means Cytomegalo Virus, it's a sexually transmitted infection that the majority of the population actually has been exposed to. It can be dangerous for the baby if the mother is CMV negative and she inseminates with CMV positive sperm, but CMV is interesting in that it only is contagious in cycles. Per bank policy, all donors are negative for contagious CMV but they do accept donors who are dormant positives. It's not something that can be passed via sperm donor because of this bank policy. Still, CMV status is something the bank provides about each donor so we thought if it worked out, a CMV negative donor would be a plus.
After those factors it got pretty murky. We did choose a Caucasian donor, but his heritage didn't matter hugely. Neither did hair/eye color. We considered his height/weight just because we didn't want somebody too short or gigantic.
We read through many, many essay questions and tried to glean something of what that donor's personality would be like. It's really hard to do that! I mean, these are college guys, so mostly they answer the questions in as short a response possible. Second, I imagine the bank tells the donors to try and sell themselves, so how much faith can I really put in the truth of his response? You can try and take some information from handwriting... but only so much. If any. Really, nothing. We had some things we hoped to see as hobbies/aptitudes/education, but again, only so much you can control.
At the end of it all, we had several donors to choose from. I called the bank and discovered that not only did we like those certain donors, but a lot of other people must too because some didn't have very many vials left, or only had vials in quarantine that wouldn't be released for six months. We wanted to buy twelve vials, so the donors who only had three vials were out. By the time we found two donors we liked very much who both also had a lot of vials available, we were SO tired of trying to decide. We bought the "extended profile"s on the two donors and made a decision on 2145 because his extended medical history was better and he had a more olive skin tone. And because there were stories of several women who got pregnant on their first attempt. And other reasons that fail me right now.
We'd kind of realized that it's all just a crap shoot. You don't know who you're going to be given to parent, and we can't control what genes come through and which don't. We tried to do the best we could and that had to be enough.
So here's some of the information on our donor:
5'11, 190 lbs
dark brown hair, brown eyes
Norwegian, Maltese, English, German, Irish, and Italian ancestry
Thick, wavy hair, fair complected, medium bone structure, right handed
Wears contacts
Enjoys track, football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, weightlifting, and jogging
At the time of donation, this guy was probably 20 or 21. All the vials we've used so far have been from 2009, so we assume he's 23 or 24 now. Since he's young still, his parents are young still and there wasn't much in his family medical history. Maternal grandmother with high blood pressure, a grandfather with a bladder infection, and he and his siblings had acne in high school. Nothing terribly exciting.
I'm not going to transcribe all his short-answer questions; if you're ever THAT curious I'll let you look through his folder someday. :)
Okay! Long enough.
OH! I forgot, real quick, to mention that we've already found a donor sibling. Interestingly, his name is Rhys, which has been on our list of boy names for like two years. But now we won't use it. That would be strange. Half-brothers with the same name who were raised states apart. He's very cute! I can't wait to see who is growing inside T.
For serious now, I'm going. Goodnight!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)