I had intended on writing more about the trying-to-conceive process, but I was feeling pretty disheartened and was busy at work, so it fell by the wayside. Here's a quick re-cap:
Cycle #2
We went forward with trying the month after the miscarriage. It helped lighten our hearts, but I don't think either of us were very optimistic. For moment at the end of the wait, we had hope, but we still stared at a blank test.
Cycle #3
We took one month off before we tried again. Everything about this cycle was weird, we almost shipped the dewar back, but at the last minute we decided to try. Everything continued to be weird which made it hard to decide if they were "symptoms" or just a weird cycle... Especially when A's cycle was late and we still had a negative test. At that point we started being worried about another miscarriage. I guess it almost softened the blow of not being pregnant.
Cycle #4
This cycle was perfect. We made a concentrated effort to be positive and excited instead of nervous about all of the "what-ifs" that had filled our heads and hearts since February. Timing was great. As it got closer to the day we decided to test, we both were very excited. We were so excited that I was almost nervous that we would be disappointed. Luckily we weren't! The second line showed up immediately!
We told our parents this week and everyone is very excited. We're gradually telling the rest of our family and close friends.
I think we both still have a seed of doubt. We've been trying to figure out if the different twinges and pains are normal for early pregnancy or if we should be concerned. We also aren't sure if we want an early ultrasound or not. We have an appointment with the midwife in 2 weeks and I guess we'll talk to her about it. In the mean time, we'll try to stay positive and start dreaming of our family of 4!
So, let the adventure begin!
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Dear grieving mother
Dear grieving mother,
You don't know me. You would pass me in the hallway and never know who I am, but I might know you by your tearstained face, your hollow eyes, your not-quite-shrunken postpartum belly and your empty arms.
Your baby died. I'm so sorry.
I don't know anything else about you or your family or your situation, but I know your name because it was on your baby's toe tag, body bag and death certificate.
You see, after your precious little one passed away or was born still, he came through my morgue. The funeral home you carefully chose to use to try and say goodbye to him came to the hospital to collect his body, and I was in charge of releasing him.
It's the discharge nobody wants. It's the body none of us wish to have to release.
Your daughter looked so perfect, wrapped up in her blanket inside a body bag. She could have been sleeping. The way she had her hand curled up close to her face and her delicate little eyelids reminded me so much of my own daughter when she was born. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the pain grip my heart, knowing that what you're going through is a million times worse, and hoping that for maybe an instant your grief let up just a touch while I carried it for you.
I want you to know that I softly traced his cold cheek with my fingertips and gently ensured that the tag encircling his wee ankle matched the name on the outside of the body bag before tucking him back in. I smoothed his hair back and sent out thoughts of peace for his soul.
I want you to know that although you don't know me, and I don't know you - our lives touched for a moment. Your daughter was cared for gently and respectfully, and for the few minutes that she was my charge, I loved her. I loved her deeply, and in the same way, I loved you as well.
I can't do anything to bring back your precious child, but I thought maybe it might bring a few seconds' respite to the unending pain you're living through now to know that someone else, a stranger, was also touched by your baby and your grief.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
your local hospital's pathology tech
You don't know me. You would pass me in the hallway and never know who I am, but I might know you by your tearstained face, your hollow eyes, your not-quite-shrunken postpartum belly and your empty arms.
Your baby died. I'm so sorry.
I don't know anything else about you or your family or your situation, but I know your name because it was on your baby's toe tag, body bag and death certificate.
You see, after your precious little one passed away or was born still, he came through my morgue. The funeral home you carefully chose to use to try and say goodbye to him came to the hospital to collect his body, and I was in charge of releasing him.
It's the discharge nobody wants. It's the body none of us wish to have to release.
Your daughter looked so perfect, wrapped up in her blanket inside a body bag. She could have been sleeping. The way she had her hand curled up close to her face and her delicate little eyelids reminded me so much of my own daughter when she was born. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the pain grip my heart, knowing that what you're going through is a million times worse, and hoping that for maybe an instant your grief let up just a touch while I carried it for you.
I want you to know that I softly traced his cold cheek with my fingertips and gently ensured that the tag encircling his wee ankle matched the name on the outside of the body bag before tucking him back in. I smoothed his hair back and sent out thoughts of peace for his soul.
I want you to know that although you don't know me, and I don't know you - our lives touched for a moment. Your daughter was cared for gently and respectfully, and for the few minutes that she was my charge, I loved her. I loved her deeply, and in the same way, I loved you as well.
I can't do anything to bring back your precious child, but I thought maybe it might bring a few seconds' respite to the unending pain you're living through now to know that someone else, a stranger, was also touched by your baby and your grief.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
your local hospital's pathology tech
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Perfect Mother Magazine
We are coming to the end of my busy season at work and it could not come fast enough. As I was finishing up a long day yesterday, missing my family and wondering if I would ever have a social life, a joke popped into my head. It was one of those online lists: "How to balance kids, work, and marriage while still having a social life! Just follow these 73 easy steps!" Once I thought it, it was stuck. The other ridiculous standards we are held to kept popping into my head. All of the different miracle methods and divisive issues that define the Mommy Wars soon joined. It kept me up all night (with some help from E). So here you have the product of insomnia, cynicism, and a day off.
By the end of this project, I was feeling a little guilty. I have a great group of mom friends and we vary pretty wide on our parenting choice/styles. We are able to have conversations and accept each others' differences. We try to support each other when things get tough, and we have a safe place to say those hard truths that our culture pretends don't exist. I didn't want anyone to feel like my satire was directed towards them. They lift me up and inspire me to be a better parent, but to also forgive myself. This cover is for them. I only wish we had a picture with all of us!
Monday, February 23, 2015
20 Names for a Stagehand's Baby
A and I have had a list of names going since 2010. Its in a journal and we revisit it every 6 months or so (I'm sure it will be more when we are actually pregnant). If a name stays on the list through multiple versions, it must mean we like it. I am more picky about names than she is, but a few I've vetoed for weird reasons. Like Marley/Marlee/Marleigh. Dance floor is called Marley and NO ONE like setting it up (which is called "laying marley," and that doesn't help). It made me think that there have to other names with similar stage-related counterparts. Like Marley, most are actually brand names. So here you have it, 20 Names for a Stagehand's Baby (or 20 Names a Stagehand Would Never Name Their Baby)
Amber
Apollo
Crosby
Daisy
Dolly
Edison
Genie
Harlequin
Iris
Jack
Lee
Leko
Mac
Marley
Martin
Mike
Nico
Rosco
Rosin
Spike
Think of any I missed?
Amber
Apollo
Crosby
Daisy
Dolly
Edison
Genie
Harlequin
Iris
Jack
Lee
Leko
Mac
Marley
Martin
Mike
Nico
Rosco
Rosin
Spike
Think of any I missed?
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Loss
It worked! And then it didn't...
Exactly one week into our wait, A started experiencing spotting, which at that point indicates implantation bleeding. We were elated. We did some research and on how long after implantation a home pregnancy test can get a positive result. 5 days later, we took the test-- negative. It was still early enough that we didn't lose all hope. We asked around and other people had late positives that were successful pregnancies. 2 days later we finally got the positive test we were hoping for. It was surreal, had it really worked on the first try!?
We started telling some of our family and close friends. When we decided to try, I came up with the idea of telling people with Valentines since we would be finding out just before Valentine's Day. We met up with A's parents on Friday night and told them. We had a Valentine's party with all of E's friends (well, we're friends with the parents, the kids seem to get along...) and told all of those families. On Sunday we were going to meet my parents and give them their cards but A started having spotting. It quickly became obvious that she was having an early miscarriage.
We were pretty crushed. I was stuck at work pretending everything was alright, A was stuck at home with the constant reminder that it wasn't.
Many people wait to tell anyone until later in the pregnancy just in case this happens, but I'm glad we didn't wait. It was hardest for me to tell my mom because I had to tell her that we were a) trying again, b) had been pregnant, and c) it was a chemical pregnancy. A loss at any point is hard, but our friends and family really were there to support us. There were many kind words, hugs, and even some food.
The timing wasn't great (there is no good time...). This time of year is always hard on our marriage. I generally work long hours and we only get brief times together when we are awake. Adding our very different processes of grief really didn't help.
In the middle of all of this, A got a message from the friend who got her into her field in the first place. She heard A was going to school and that made her eligible to work with her at the hospital across the street from our house as a tech instead of an assistant. They just had someone leave and are looking for a replacement. AND its on the early shift, so we wouldn't have to do all day day-care. This was all great news, except we would again be looking at a 3 month wait so A would qualify for FML.
We've finally had some time to heal and re-connect. A few nights ago, we ended up in a very similar, last minute conversation about if we should try or not. After weighing the pros and cons, we decided that we weren't willing to wait as long as we needed to if A got the new job. We're just going to wing it and hope for the best. We decided that since FML wasn't paid leave, it just guaranteed your job, it wasn't worth waiting for. She's already on my insurance, so we don't have wait for coverage to change over. And really, we just need something to look forward to. It makes the loss sting a little less.
Today we traded in our little MazdaSpeed3 for a Ford Escape. There was no way we could have 2 car seats in the Mazda if we wanted to do rear-facing past 1 year. Things are moving forward, it feels good. I would ask you to send us positive thoughts, but since you won't read this for a while, I'll ask you to send them to someone else who needs them. Or even better, a random act of kindness.
Exactly one week into our wait, A started experiencing spotting, which at that point indicates implantation bleeding. We were elated. We did some research and on how long after implantation a home pregnancy test can get a positive result. 5 days later, we took the test-- negative. It was still early enough that we didn't lose all hope. We asked around and other people had late positives that were successful pregnancies. 2 days later we finally got the positive test we were hoping for. It was surreal, had it really worked on the first try!?
We started telling some of our family and close friends. When we decided to try, I came up with the idea of telling people with Valentines since we would be finding out just before Valentine's Day. We met up with A's parents on Friday night and told them. We had a Valentine's party with all of E's friends (well, we're friends with the parents, the kids seem to get along...) and told all of those families. On Sunday we were going to meet my parents and give them their cards but A started having spotting. It quickly became obvious that she was having an early miscarriage.
We were pretty crushed. I was stuck at work pretending everything was alright, A was stuck at home with the constant reminder that it wasn't.
Many people wait to tell anyone until later in the pregnancy just in case this happens, but I'm glad we didn't wait. It was hardest for me to tell my mom because I had to tell her that we were a) trying again, b) had been pregnant, and c) it was a chemical pregnancy. A loss at any point is hard, but our friends and family really were there to support us. There were many kind words, hugs, and even some food.
The timing wasn't great (there is no good time...). This time of year is always hard on our marriage. I generally work long hours and we only get brief times together when we are awake. Adding our very different processes of grief really didn't help.
In the middle of all of this, A got a message from the friend who got her into her field in the first place. She heard A was going to school and that made her eligible to work with her at the hospital across the street from our house as a tech instead of an assistant. They just had someone leave and are looking for a replacement. AND its on the early shift, so we wouldn't have to do all day day-care. This was all great news, except we would again be looking at a 3 month wait so A would qualify for FML.
We've finally had some time to heal and re-connect. A few nights ago, we ended up in a very similar, last minute conversation about if we should try or not. After weighing the pros and cons, we decided that we weren't willing to wait as long as we needed to if A got the new job. We're just going to wing it and hope for the best. We decided that since FML wasn't paid leave, it just guaranteed your job, it wasn't worth waiting for. She's already on my insurance, so we don't have wait for coverage to change over. And really, we just need something to look forward to. It makes the loss sting a little less.
Today we traded in our little MazdaSpeed3 for a Ford Escape. There was no way we could have 2 car seats in the Mazda if we wanted to do rear-facing past 1 year. Things are moving forward, it feels good. I would ask you to send us positive thoughts, but since you won't read this for a while, I'll ask you to send them to someone else who needs them. Or even better, a random act of kindness.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Schrodinger's Uterus
One problem about creating a family as lesbians is that it's very hard to be spontaneous about it. I mean, being able to skip all of the discussions on the online mom groups about birth control and breastfeeding was AWESOME, but I'm always a bit jealous of the couples who can just start trying on a whim. We have always said we wanted to have kids 2-3 years apart. Well, E is 2 yrs and 5 mths, so that ship has sailed... but we can still see it on the horizon. I guess I have to go back a few months to explain how we got here. And by "here" I mean back in the so-called "Two-Week-Wait" before we find out if we are going to have a baby. I like to call this time Schrodinger's Uterus. Since pregnancy math starts on the first day of your last menstrual cycle, once you introduce sperm, you are simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant until you take the test.
Anyways, back to how we got here. Since E was a few months old, A has been working in a lab part time. This was great because it meant that she was done before I went to work and we didn't have to pay for day care. Things were going well and we were going to start trying for our next baby in the summer. Unfortunately, in the sping, A found out they were combining the 2 part time positions into one full time position for her supervisor. Although she has a good amount of experience in the field, she is lacking a certification and wasn't able to fine a job in the same position. After a few months she was hired in a lab but at a lower position. We had planned on waiting 3 months so she would qualify for FML, but since she wasn't making as much as we anticipated, we just couldn't see how to make the finances work. We were feeling pretty stuck. Then one of A's coworkers asked her to start a program that would make her eligible for the certification exam with her. All of the programs A had looked into required far more prerequisites than this one and its seemed like it would take forever taking one class at a time. This one was has much more basic prereqs, is completely online, and only takes 10 months. It was the break we needed. We decided to wait until she was about half way through the course and then start trying. We would be a bit behind our family planning schedule, but it was close enough.
Okay, now we are caught up to last week. Books were being bought and online profiles were being created. We were discussing what her job would become after she got the certification. One of her co-workers who had been really encouraging her was talking to her about trying to get them to create a completely different position for her. The catch is that her coworker is planning on retiring in just over a year and the changes would all be set in motion by his retirement. We realized that would mean our current plans put her on maternity leave right at that time, and that wasn't ideal. Then we had the brilliant idea that she should take the certification exam while on maternity leave and come back to a new position. Which meant we needed to start trying RIGHT NOW. If we contacted the cryobank the next morning, there was just enough time to probably try this month. So we did it. Its as close to being spontaneous as we can really get. Funnily enough, I was reading old blog posts and its very similar to the cycle we conceived E on- we had decided to stop trying for a while and at the last minute called the bank and tried anyways.
If feels a little surreal. Honestly, it felt more than a little irresponsible. Beyond the fact that being able to afford to be a family of 4 hinges on a job she doesn't have yet that requires a certifications she can't even try to get for 10 month, we hadn't been "tracking" as seriously as we should. With how much money is on the line each month, its a good idea to be very confident of the timing (down to about 12 hours). Luckily, I think we did good.
So there you have it. In 2 weeks, we either be bursting at the seams or remembering WHY trying to conceive is so damn hard.
To reward you for sticking with me through this slightly disjointed, vague post, I will answer some FAQs that I have just made up--
Who is going to carry this time? Most likely you know this from previous blogs or real life, but it's A's turn! We always planned on us each carrying one child. More than that we are open to, and will probably foster-to-adopt unless one of us feels very strongly about being pregnant again.
Are you sad you it's not you? Every once and a while, but mostly I'm excited to be actively trying again. I'm also really excited to not go through pregnancy while doing my hectic, strenuous, sometimes dangerous job. And I get parental leave anyways, so that will be awesome! Also, I'm excited for A, since she has wanted this as long as I've known her. I occasionally felt guilty that I got to go first.
Did you use the same donor? Yes! As soon as we heard E's heartbeat and were confident the pregnancy would "stick" we ordered more vials of the same donor and have been paying to store them ever since. Obviously our supply is limited (and the donor is sold out), but I'm more worried about picking a donor than about our children not sharing a donor. If you are curious about that process here is a blog about it.
Who are you telling? NO ONE! Don't take it personally, but last time we told a lot of people we were trying, we were on online groups, and there was a whole cheerleading section who knew exactly when we would find out. The support was great, but it got really hard to tell everyone every month that it didn't work. We also want to be able to tell everyone when it is good news in our own way. If it starts taking a while, we will probably tell some people, but not specifics again. Actually, although I'm writing this blog in January, it won't be posted until we announce a pregnancy.
Do you want a girl or boy? We've always said we wanted a boy and a girl, but as soon as we found out E was a girl, we realized we don't care all that much. Mostly, we felt relief that we didn't have to come up with a boy name since we were having a hard time. We actually don't plan on finding out our next baby's sex until birth.
Have other questions? Post a comment!
Anyways, back to how we got here. Since E was a few months old, A has been working in a lab part time. This was great because it meant that she was done before I went to work and we didn't have to pay for day care. Things were going well and we were going to start trying for our next baby in the summer. Unfortunately, in the sping, A found out they were combining the 2 part time positions into one full time position for her supervisor. Although she has a good amount of experience in the field, she is lacking a certification and wasn't able to fine a job in the same position. After a few months she was hired in a lab but at a lower position. We had planned on waiting 3 months so she would qualify for FML, but since she wasn't making as much as we anticipated, we just couldn't see how to make the finances work. We were feeling pretty stuck. Then one of A's coworkers asked her to start a program that would make her eligible for the certification exam with her. All of the programs A had looked into required far more prerequisites than this one and its seemed like it would take forever taking one class at a time. This one was has much more basic prereqs, is completely online, and only takes 10 months. It was the break we needed. We decided to wait until she was about half way through the course and then start trying. We would be a bit behind our family planning schedule, but it was close enough.
Okay, now we are caught up to last week. Books were being bought and online profiles were being created. We were discussing what her job would become after she got the certification. One of her co-workers who had been really encouraging her was talking to her about trying to get them to create a completely different position for her. The catch is that her coworker is planning on retiring in just over a year and the changes would all be set in motion by his retirement. We realized that would mean our current plans put her on maternity leave right at that time, and that wasn't ideal. Then we had the brilliant idea that she should take the certification exam while on maternity leave and come back to a new position. Which meant we needed to start trying RIGHT NOW. If we contacted the cryobank the next morning, there was just enough time to probably try this month. So we did it. Its as close to being spontaneous as we can really get. Funnily enough, I was reading old blog posts and its very similar to the cycle we conceived E on- we had decided to stop trying for a while and at the last minute called the bank and tried anyways.
If feels a little surreal. Honestly, it felt more than a little irresponsible. Beyond the fact that being able to afford to be a family of 4 hinges on a job she doesn't have yet that requires a certifications she can't even try to get for 10 month, we hadn't been "tracking" as seriously as we should. With how much money is on the line each month, its a good idea to be very confident of the timing (down to about 12 hours). Luckily, I think we did good.
So there you have it. In 2 weeks, we either be bursting at the seams or remembering WHY trying to conceive is so damn hard.
To reward you for sticking with me through this slightly disjointed, vague post, I will answer some FAQs that I have just made up--
Who is going to carry this time? Most likely you know this from previous blogs or real life, but it's A's turn! We always planned on us each carrying one child. More than that we are open to, and will probably foster-to-adopt unless one of us feels very strongly about being pregnant again.
Are you sad you it's not you? Every once and a while, but mostly I'm excited to be actively trying again. I'm also really excited to not go through pregnancy while doing my hectic, strenuous, sometimes dangerous job. And I get parental leave anyways, so that will be awesome! Also, I'm excited for A, since she has wanted this as long as I've known her. I occasionally felt guilty that I got to go first.
Did you use the same donor? Yes! As soon as we heard E's heartbeat and were confident the pregnancy would "stick" we ordered more vials of the same donor and have been paying to store them ever since. Obviously our supply is limited (and the donor is sold out), but I'm more worried about picking a donor than about our children not sharing a donor. If you are curious about that process here is a blog about it.
Who are you telling? NO ONE! Don't take it personally, but last time we told a lot of people we were trying, we were on online groups, and there was a whole cheerleading section who knew exactly when we would find out. The support was great, but it got really hard to tell everyone every month that it didn't work. We also want to be able to tell everyone when it is good news in our own way. If it starts taking a while, we will probably tell some people, but not specifics again. Actually, although I'm writing this blog in January, it won't be posted until we announce a pregnancy.
Do you want a girl or boy? We've always said we wanted a boy and a girl, but as soon as we found out E was a girl, we realized we don't care all that much. Mostly, we felt relief that we didn't have to come up with a boy name since we were having a hard time. We actually don't plan on finding out our next baby's sex until birth.
Have other questions? Post a comment!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Halloween
Last night we celebrated Halloween with E, and though this is her third Halloween, it's the first time she had any inkling of what it entails. We decorated our front porch with a harvest wreath, a scarecrow, spiderwebs, and a family of pumpkins. E could really help, and my heart filled with joy in watching her stretch the spiderwebs, pull decorations out of the Halloween bin, and carry her "baby punkins" around.
We went a couple weeks ago to one of the local pumpkin farms and had a great time bouncing on the Jumping Pillow, climbing the Straw Mountain, buying fresh kettlecorn and taking a hayride into the pumpkin fields at dusk. As we sat on the wooden benches in the hay wagon and bumped along the dirt roads, laughing and sharing kettlecorn and watching the sun kiss the mountain peaks, I thought to myself that I would pay any amount of money for that kind of happiness.
E's costume this year is an incredible dragon, sewn by my mother in law in 2011 for our foster son. We loved the costume so much that we agreed, any kid in the family that's the right age/size at Halloween would be the dragon. We hoped last year E would fit, but she's pretty short and our foster son was a tall kid, so she swam in it. This year though, she (amazingly enough) had not yet outgrown it! She seems to enjoy wearing it, until she gets overheated. Not like that's common in Arizona in October or anything. We took her around our neighborhood to a few houses to Trick or Treat, then we called it quits and handed out candy to other kids the rest of the evening. It was quiet and simple and we had low expectations - all things we've learned are necessary in handling a 2 year old's perceptions of the holiday.
And as amazing as E was last night, and no matter how much I enjoyed taking her out Trick or Treating, I think there may always be a touch of bittersweet that lives on inside my heart when someone wears that dragon costume. After all, it forever reminds me of the first little blond-headed boy who toddled around in it, tripping over the feet and dragging the tail behind him.
At the very least, he (and his sister) are far enough away now that it's easier to separate my longing for them from my ability to celebrate with E and love her as the dragon for her own sake.
I hope you all had happy and safe Halloweens with your families!
We went a couple weeks ago to one of the local pumpkin farms and had a great time bouncing on the Jumping Pillow, climbing the Straw Mountain, buying fresh kettlecorn and taking a hayride into the pumpkin fields at dusk. As we sat on the wooden benches in the hay wagon and bumped along the dirt roads, laughing and sharing kettlecorn and watching the sun kiss the mountain peaks, I thought to myself that I would pay any amount of money for that kind of happiness.
E's costume this year is an incredible dragon, sewn by my mother in law in 2011 for our foster son. We loved the costume so much that we agreed, any kid in the family that's the right age/size at Halloween would be the dragon. We hoped last year E would fit, but she's pretty short and our foster son was a tall kid, so she swam in it. This year though, she (amazingly enough) had not yet outgrown it! She seems to enjoy wearing it, until she gets overheated. Not like that's common in Arizona in October or anything. We took her around our neighborhood to a few houses to Trick or Treat, then we called it quits and handed out candy to other kids the rest of the evening. It was quiet and simple and we had low expectations - all things we've learned are necessary in handling a 2 year old's perceptions of the holiday.
And as amazing as E was last night, and no matter how much I enjoyed taking her out Trick or Treating, I think there may always be a touch of bittersweet that lives on inside my heart when someone wears that dragon costume. After all, it forever reminds me of the first little blond-headed boy who toddled around in it, tripping over the feet and dragging the tail behind him.
 |
| Teri & "Andrew" the dragon, Halloween 2011 |
At the very least, he (and his sister) are far enough away now that it's easier to separate my longing for them from my ability to celebrate with E and love her as the dragon for her own sake.
I hope you all had happy and safe Halloweens with your families!
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