I am beginning to wonder if some of T's pregnancy symptoms are rubbing off on me. Or maybe it's the huge amount of hormones coursing through my body from the birth control pills I'm taking, who knows. I've been having very vivid dreams as of late.
Last night, I had one that just seemed to be a small snapshot of a day in our life with a baby. We had a son, and his name was Orion, and he had big dark brown eyes and was just gorgeous.
Another one I had last night, it was just me and our most recent foster daughter, "Eva"*. We went to visit a friend of mine from high school who just had her third baby, and I was telling Eva that my friend had just had a baby - like her mommy just had her little brother. I remember she was so pleased, as she always was, to see a new baby. Her speech impediment was spot-on to real life, as well. In the dream, my eyes welled up with tears when she and I talked about her mommy and her new little brother. It hurt that she had a "real" mommy and I wasn't her.
The previous night, I had a dream about Eva's little brother, "Andrew"*. A number of people, plus myself and Andrew, were all sardined into this little house, sleeping on the floor. Andrew was in some kind of strange rollaway crib thing that fit underneath a raised bed that someone else slept on. It was quite odd, but he was really smiley and happy and, in the dream, I remember thinking we were all going to go camping. Interestingly, Andrew did not seem to be a foster child in the dream - he was simply my son.
I don't know what to make of dreams, usually, other than to assume they take the forms of my subconscious thoughts from the day.
I guess I've been thinking a lot about Eva and Andrew. I hope they're doing okay. I hope Eva is in school and doing well. I hope Andrew isn't being neglected at home because his younger brother is still so little. I sometimes wish I knew what their lives were like now, but then I remember that I really don't want to know that because what if it's only bad news? I couldn't handle that.
I hope that maybe they feel our love for them still, in whatever way that could be possible. Ugh. I hate missing them so much.
We always knew those two would leave. That wasn't surprising. What sometimes does still take me by surprise is how much I think of them. How I still look at photos of them, handle toys that they played with, and remember what they were like. It's been over three months since they left, and they only lived here for nine months.
It's incredible to me how much those nine months affected our lives - in the unobtrusive, veiled ways that nobody knew to expect.
In only five more days, we get to go in and have our anatomy scan done on our own little miracle baby. Oh my goodness, it's so close! I cannot wait. The day after the scan is our first Centering class, and then on April 17th our Bradley natural childbirth classes begin. Life is getting crazier by the minute over here, everybody hang on!
One last thing! A friend of mine over at Small Obsessions nominated Two Mothers McGill for a Liebster Blog award! Thanks, friend!