Yesterday, June 26th 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that all bans on gay marriage across the nation are unconstitutional. What an incredible day!
Years ago, when we first began talking about having a family, we made a number of choices that would positively affect our rights as a family, particularly the perception of our rights by strangers - staff at a school, nurses in a hospital, etc. We made these choices because we knew that our rights as a family would come one day, but we truly didn't expect our home state to recognize our marriage for many, many years to come, and we wanted to protect our children when they were young.
Now here we sit, our oldest child not even 3 years old and our next baby on its way, and the Supreme Court has fixed this particular issue for us. To say I am in disbelief would be an understatement.
When I think about it, I feel overcome by emotion. This new life I'm growing was conceived before national marriage equality existed - and before he or she is born, it has been granted. This child will never know a world where their parents weren't married and legally recognized by our government. What an immense and weighty thing to have lifted from T's and my shoulders.
Now we are waiting to see how the state handles birth certificates, and hoping that both our names can be present on this new baby's birth certificate. For each of us to have 100% equal legal rights as parents from the very beginning is not something we will take for granted. We also hope the state might reissue E's birth certificate with both our names, as we were legally married at the time of her birth.
This is changing the face of LGBT rights, that's for certain. We still have a long road ahead of us - but what an amazing time to live in.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Pregnant!!
I had intended on writing more about the trying-to-conceive process, but I was feeling pretty disheartened and was busy at work, so it fell by the wayside. Here's a quick re-cap:
Cycle #2
We went forward with trying the month after the miscarriage. It helped lighten our hearts, but I don't think either of us were very optimistic. For moment at the end of the wait, we had hope, but we still stared at a blank test.
Cycle #3
We took one month off before we tried again. Everything about this cycle was weird, we almost shipped the dewar back, but at the last minute we decided to try. Everything continued to be weird which made it hard to decide if they were "symptoms" or just a weird cycle... Especially when A's cycle was late and we still had a negative test. At that point we started being worried about another miscarriage. I guess it almost softened the blow of not being pregnant.
Cycle #4
This cycle was perfect. We made a concentrated effort to be positive and excited instead of nervous about all of the "what-ifs" that had filled our heads and hearts since February. Timing was great. As it got closer to the day we decided to test, we both were very excited. We were so excited that I was almost nervous that we would be disappointed. Luckily we weren't! The second line showed up immediately!
We told our parents this week and everyone is very excited. We're gradually telling the rest of our family and close friends.
I think we both still have a seed of doubt. We've been trying to figure out if the different twinges and pains are normal for early pregnancy or if we should be concerned. We also aren't sure if we want an early ultrasound or not. We have an appointment with the midwife in 2 weeks and I guess we'll talk to her about it. In the mean time, we'll try to stay positive and start dreaming of our family of 4!
So, let the adventure begin!
Cycle #2
We went forward with trying the month after the miscarriage. It helped lighten our hearts, but I don't think either of us were very optimistic. For moment at the end of the wait, we had hope, but we still stared at a blank test.
Cycle #3
We took one month off before we tried again. Everything about this cycle was weird, we almost shipped the dewar back, but at the last minute we decided to try. Everything continued to be weird which made it hard to decide if they were "symptoms" or just a weird cycle... Especially when A's cycle was late and we still had a negative test. At that point we started being worried about another miscarriage. I guess it almost softened the blow of not being pregnant.
Cycle #4
This cycle was perfect. We made a concentrated effort to be positive and excited instead of nervous about all of the "what-ifs" that had filled our heads and hearts since February. Timing was great. As it got closer to the day we decided to test, we both were very excited. We were so excited that I was almost nervous that we would be disappointed. Luckily we weren't! The second line showed up immediately!
We told our parents this week and everyone is very excited. We're gradually telling the rest of our family and close friends.
I think we both still have a seed of doubt. We've been trying to figure out if the different twinges and pains are normal for early pregnancy or if we should be concerned. We also aren't sure if we want an early ultrasound or not. We have an appointment with the midwife in 2 weeks and I guess we'll talk to her about it. In the mean time, we'll try to stay positive and start dreaming of our family of 4!
So, let the adventure begin!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Dear grieving mother
Dear grieving mother,
You don't know me. You would pass me in the hallway and never know who I am, but I might know you by your tearstained face, your hollow eyes, your not-quite-shrunken postpartum belly and your empty arms.
Your baby died. I'm so sorry.
I don't know anything else about you or your family or your situation, but I know your name because it was on your baby's toe tag, body bag and death certificate.
You see, after your precious little one passed away or was born still, he came through my morgue. The funeral home you carefully chose to use to try and say goodbye to him came to the hospital to collect his body, and I was in charge of releasing him.
It's the discharge nobody wants. It's the body none of us wish to have to release.
Your daughter looked so perfect, wrapped up in her blanket inside a body bag. She could have been sleeping. The way she had her hand curled up close to her face and her delicate little eyelids reminded me so much of my own daughter when she was born. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the pain grip my heart, knowing that what you're going through is a million times worse, and hoping that for maybe an instant your grief let up just a touch while I carried it for you.
I want you to know that I softly traced his cold cheek with my fingertips and gently ensured that the tag encircling his wee ankle matched the name on the outside of the body bag before tucking him back in. I smoothed his hair back and sent out thoughts of peace for his soul.
I want you to know that although you don't know me, and I don't know you - our lives touched for a moment. Your daughter was cared for gently and respectfully, and for the few minutes that she was my charge, I loved her. I loved her deeply, and in the same way, I loved you as well.
I can't do anything to bring back your precious child, but I thought maybe it might bring a few seconds' respite to the unending pain you're living through now to know that someone else, a stranger, was also touched by your baby and your grief.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
your local hospital's pathology tech
You don't know me. You would pass me in the hallway and never know who I am, but I might know you by your tearstained face, your hollow eyes, your not-quite-shrunken postpartum belly and your empty arms.
Your baby died. I'm so sorry.
I don't know anything else about you or your family or your situation, but I know your name because it was on your baby's toe tag, body bag and death certificate.
You see, after your precious little one passed away or was born still, he came through my morgue. The funeral home you carefully chose to use to try and say goodbye to him came to the hospital to collect his body, and I was in charge of releasing him.
It's the discharge nobody wants. It's the body none of us wish to have to release.
Your daughter looked so perfect, wrapped up in her blanket inside a body bag. She could have been sleeping. The way she had her hand curled up close to her face and her delicate little eyelids reminded me so much of my own daughter when she was born. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the pain grip my heart, knowing that what you're going through is a million times worse, and hoping that for maybe an instant your grief let up just a touch while I carried it for you.
I want you to know that I softly traced his cold cheek with my fingertips and gently ensured that the tag encircling his wee ankle matched the name on the outside of the body bag before tucking him back in. I smoothed his hair back and sent out thoughts of peace for his soul.
I want you to know that although you don't know me, and I don't know you - our lives touched for a moment. Your daughter was cared for gently and respectfully, and for the few minutes that she was my charge, I loved her. I loved her deeply, and in the same way, I loved you as well.
I can't do anything to bring back your precious child, but I thought maybe it might bring a few seconds' respite to the unending pain you're living through now to know that someone else, a stranger, was also touched by your baby and your grief.
I'm so sorry.
Love,
your local hospital's pathology tech
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Perfect Mother Magazine
We are coming to the end of my busy season at work and it could not come fast enough. As I was finishing up a long day yesterday, missing my family and wondering if I would ever have a social life, a joke popped into my head. It was one of those online lists: "How to balance kids, work, and marriage while still having a social life! Just follow these 73 easy steps!" Once I thought it, it was stuck. The other ridiculous standards we are held to kept popping into my head. All of the different miracle methods and divisive issues that define the Mommy Wars soon joined. It kept me up all night (with some help from E). So here you have the product of insomnia, cynicism, and a day off.
By the end of this project, I was feeling a little guilty. I have a great group of mom friends and we vary pretty wide on our parenting choice/styles. We are able to have conversations and accept each others' differences. We try to support each other when things get tough, and we have a safe place to say those hard truths that our culture pretends don't exist. I didn't want anyone to feel like my satire was directed towards them. They lift me up and inspire me to be a better parent, but to also forgive myself. This cover is for them. I only wish we had a picture with all of us!
Monday, February 23, 2015
20 Names for a Stagehand's Baby
A and I have had a list of names going since 2010. Its in a journal and we revisit it every 6 months or so (I'm sure it will be more when we are actually pregnant). If a name stays on the list through multiple versions, it must mean we like it. I am more picky about names than she is, but a few I've vetoed for weird reasons. Like Marley/Marlee/Marleigh. Dance floor is called Marley and NO ONE like setting it up (which is called "laying marley," and that doesn't help). It made me think that there have to other names with similar stage-related counterparts. Like Marley, most are actually brand names. So here you have it, 20 Names for a Stagehand's Baby (or 20 Names a Stagehand Would Never Name Their Baby)
Amber
Apollo
Crosby
Daisy
Dolly
Edison
Genie
Harlequin
Iris
Jack
Lee
Leko
Mac
Marley
Martin
Mike
Nico
Rosco
Rosin
Spike
Think of any I missed?
Amber
Apollo
Crosby
Daisy
Dolly
Edison
Genie
Harlequin
Iris
Jack
Lee
Leko
Mac
Marley
Martin
Mike
Nico
Rosco
Rosin
Spike
Think of any I missed?
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Loss
It worked! And then it didn't...
Exactly one week into our wait, A started experiencing spotting, which at that point indicates implantation bleeding. We were elated. We did some research and on how long after implantation a home pregnancy test can get a positive result. 5 days later, we took the test-- negative. It was still early enough that we didn't lose all hope. We asked around and other people had late positives that were successful pregnancies. 2 days later we finally got the positive test we were hoping for. It was surreal, had it really worked on the first try!?
We started telling some of our family and close friends. When we decided to try, I came up with the idea of telling people with Valentines since we would be finding out just before Valentine's Day. We met up with A's parents on Friday night and told them. We had a Valentine's party with all of E's friends (well, we're friends with the parents, the kids seem to get along...) and told all of those families. On Sunday we were going to meet my parents and give them their cards but A started having spotting. It quickly became obvious that she was having an early miscarriage.
We were pretty crushed. I was stuck at work pretending everything was alright, A was stuck at home with the constant reminder that it wasn't.
Many people wait to tell anyone until later in the pregnancy just in case this happens, but I'm glad we didn't wait. It was hardest for me to tell my mom because I had to tell her that we were a) trying again, b) had been pregnant, and c) it was a chemical pregnancy. A loss at any point is hard, but our friends and family really were there to support us. There were many kind words, hugs, and even some food.
The timing wasn't great (there is no good time...). This time of year is always hard on our marriage. I generally work long hours and we only get brief times together when we are awake. Adding our very different processes of grief really didn't help.
In the middle of all of this, A got a message from the friend who got her into her field in the first place. She heard A was going to school and that made her eligible to work with her at the hospital across the street from our house as a tech instead of an assistant. They just had someone leave and are looking for a replacement. AND its on the early shift, so we wouldn't have to do all day day-care. This was all great news, except we would again be looking at a 3 month wait so A would qualify for FML.
We've finally had some time to heal and re-connect. A few nights ago, we ended up in a very similar, last minute conversation about if we should try or not. After weighing the pros and cons, we decided that we weren't willing to wait as long as we needed to if A got the new job. We're just going to wing it and hope for the best. We decided that since FML wasn't paid leave, it just guaranteed your job, it wasn't worth waiting for. She's already on my insurance, so we don't have wait for coverage to change over. And really, we just need something to look forward to. It makes the loss sting a little less.
Today we traded in our little MazdaSpeed3 for a Ford Escape. There was no way we could have 2 car seats in the Mazda if we wanted to do rear-facing past 1 year. Things are moving forward, it feels good. I would ask you to send us positive thoughts, but since you won't read this for a while, I'll ask you to send them to someone else who needs them. Or even better, a random act of kindness.
Exactly one week into our wait, A started experiencing spotting, which at that point indicates implantation bleeding. We were elated. We did some research and on how long after implantation a home pregnancy test can get a positive result. 5 days later, we took the test-- negative. It was still early enough that we didn't lose all hope. We asked around and other people had late positives that were successful pregnancies. 2 days later we finally got the positive test we were hoping for. It was surreal, had it really worked on the first try!?
We started telling some of our family and close friends. When we decided to try, I came up with the idea of telling people with Valentines since we would be finding out just before Valentine's Day. We met up with A's parents on Friday night and told them. We had a Valentine's party with all of E's friends (well, we're friends with the parents, the kids seem to get along...) and told all of those families. On Sunday we were going to meet my parents and give them their cards but A started having spotting. It quickly became obvious that she was having an early miscarriage.
We were pretty crushed. I was stuck at work pretending everything was alright, A was stuck at home with the constant reminder that it wasn't.
Many people wait to tell anyone until later in the pregnancy just in case this happens, but I'm glad we didn't wait. It was hardest for me to tell my mom because I had to tell her that we were a) trying again, b) had been pregnant, and c) it was a chemical pregnancy. A loss at any point is hard, but our friends and family really were there to support us. There were many kind words, hugs, and even some food.
The timing wasn't great (there is no good time...). This time of year is always hard on our marriage. I generally work long hours and we only get brief times together when we are awake. Adding our very different processes of grief really didn't help.
In the middle of all of this, A got a message from the friend who got her into her field in the first place. She heard A was going to school and that made her eligible to work with her at the hospital across the street from our house as a tech instead of an assistant. They just had someone leave and are looking for a replacement. AND its on the early shift, so we wouldn't have to do all day day-care. This was all great news, except we would again be looking at a 3 month wait so A would qualify for FML.
We've finally had some time to heal and re-connect. A few nights ago, we ended up in a very similar, last minute conversation about if we should try or not. After weighing the pros and cons, we decided that we weren't willing to wait as long as we needed to if A got the new job. We're just going to wing it and hope for the best. We decided that since FML wasn't paid leave, it just guaranteed your job, it wasn't worth waiting for. She's already on my insurance, so we don't have wait for coverage to change over. And really, we just need something to look forward to. It makes the loss sting a little less.
Today we traded in our little MazdaSpeed3 for a Ford Escape. There was no way we could have 2 car seats in the Mazda if we wanted to do rear-facing past 1 year. Things are moving forward, it feels good. I would ask you to send us positive thoughts, but since you won't read this for a while, I'll ask you to send them to someone else who needs them. Or even better, a random act of kindness.
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