Dear Ev Jane,

You're about to turn 4 years old, my darling daughter. Four of the longest, shortest years of my life.

I dreamed about you for years, sweet one. Wondered what you'd look like, what things would interest you, who you would be and how you'd change me. I waited (not so) patiently for you while Mom grew you within her. I couldn't wait to touch her blooming belly every night and sing to you. As the end of her pregnancy grew near, Mom and I could barely contain our anticipation for your debut.

She came home from work four years ago today, around 5:00 pm, in tears that she was going to be huge and pregnant forever. I hugged her tight and didn't say anything, because there wasn't anything I could do to hasten your arrival. Sometimes I think it would be fun to be able to go back in time and tap myself on the shoulder with a knowing smile, and say, "Everything is going to change after tonight. Just you see. She's on her way." Four years ago, Mom's body was slowly going into labor.

EJM, you are a fixed star in my universe. You're exactly who I expected, when I dreamed of you all those years ago. You're sweet and kind, clever and funny, stubborn and good at looking for loopholes. Your laughter is contagious; your smile lights up the room. You are genuinely GOOD, down to the core. You've made me more patient; more understanding, and better balanced. I'm a better mama because of you.

I knew you loved us, but I couldn't foresee how deeply you would love your brother. Your love for him brings me to my knees with its power. You are the most natural-born mother I've ever come across and I am awaiting the magical day on which you become a mother, to see you with your own child for the first time.

Happy Birthday, my girl. I can't wait to celebrate with you at your Dress-Up party, with your Belle dress and cake and all our family and your friends. You are one of a kind, and I'm looking forward to this next trip around the sun with you.

Love always,
Mama

The second time around (long)

Far and wide, our friends all across the globe know our family is expecting a new addition. We've never been shy about our intentions to both carry at least one pregnancy - if anything, we have shouted it from the rooftops and always been open to talking with people about our family's differences.

Now that I really am pregnant with Little Brother, it's been an eye-opening experience in a myriad of ways. It's been touching for so many of our loved ones to excitedly ask me/us about how it is this time around with our role-reversal. Truly, it means a lot to have people ask and check in and I'm sure that sometimes our ability to swap pregnancies is fascinating. I'm glad people want to know how it's been different and how it's been the same, and that they're comfortable enough with me and my family to know it's okay to ask.

Before this pregnancy, I spent some time considering what those similarities and differences might be. I even started framing responses in my mind, mostly about how all pregnancies are different, even for one woman experiencing several subsequent pregnancies. In thinking about my answers and framing them before I knew what they were, I found another deep pocket of my own arrogance. Don't worry, they're plentiful, so even if I deplete this one, there are undoubtedly always more.

I am 30 weeks pregnant. 75% done. A little over two months to go. In the last 26 weeks (you know, the ones where I have been actually aware that I'm pregnant), I have learned some things. And here is where I admit some painful truths to you all: This pregnancy has been both harder and easier at times than I anticipated. It's been more rewarding and less rewarding than I'd hoped for. It's strained some relationships I didn't think would even be affected. It has been a mental, emotional, and physical challenge. And last... being the currently-pregnant partner to a previously-pregnant partner isn't always what I dreamed it would be.

Some of the more negative aspects I mention are the difficult truths for me, because as some of you know, I've been the most excited person around to get to experience pregnancy for nearly as long as I've been an adult. I've waited and waited my turn, ever since T and I were married in 2008 and I was stoked about having kids since well before that. Obviously, the two things (pregnancy and having kids) are not mutually exclusive, but it was always our plan so in this circumstance, they're connected. I have felt humbled and honored and happy and heartbroken, sometimes all in the same day, during this pregnancy. When I contemplated this glorious pregnant time in my life (before I was actually doing any gestating), I thought I'd be that exhaustingly happy, glowing pregnant woman who loved every moment. Observing myself as I've progressed through each trimester has been a disappointment at times. I have been hard on myself to buck up, not complain, and be grateful, because I found that the difficult parts of pregnancy aren't always something I can power through with sheer will.

It sometimes meant days on end of vomiting and feeling generally shitty while my wonderfully creative 3 year old begged me to play with her and having to tell her no. For awhile, it meant that my wife carried a much heavier load and even while knowing she was at the end of her rope, still telling her that her thoughtful idea of home-fried chicken nuggets was making me feel incredibly sick and to please stop. It's been months of inactivity on the online certification program I'm working even harder now to complete. It's been letting go of any idyllic time or energy to direct towards art projects, holiday-themed crafting with my kid, decorating my house, or even keeping up with housework.

But it's also been unfathomably magical. There is a whole new human growing within me. His genetics are shaped by a combination of my own and the man who also shaped half of E's genetics. This new person will share features and traits with my biological family, specifically my mother, who knows so little and has so few people who share any biological ties to her. I've gotten to feel this person's very first movements, be the very first voice he ever heard, and give him the first taste of what love is. These things have no equal. There is no trade in the universe that would cause me to do things differently if I could.

Perhaps thinking that I'm also giving him a thorough insight into human nature will make me feel less guilty about the challenges. After all, I'm showing him that although my love for him is perfect, I am not and never will be.

Now, think about all the things I've just told you, and try to cram them within an "alternative" framework of a family where both parents can and have experienced a pregnancy. Often, I find the assumption (even within myself and T) is that my pregnancy can only be easier/better due to having a partner who knows what I'm going through. I understand that is only logical.

In truth, even partners with shared events still cannot know the exact minutiae of the other's experience. How silly and naive it feels in hindsight, to have anticipated that T would know exactly what I am going through. After all, shared experiences are not exact duplicates of one another, they merely have certain pieces or parts that overlap. Also, T and I have very different body chemistries, different hormone reactions, different thought processes, and very different emotional responses to stimuli.

Yet again, we have found another area where communication of expectations is key. Mostly we discovered it after weeks of little offenses, disappointments, and internalized resentment. Ahh, the triad of all good marriages, right?

When T was pregnant, I couldn't get enough of her belly. The rest of her was cute as always, but the belly was new and exciting. I studied it day after day. I likely annoyed the crap out of her by touching her all the time, asking what the Cupcake was doing, what she felt like, and touching her some more. I was fixated on the pregnancy; on our baby that I was at significant risk of feeling left out of helping grow. Of course I wanted T to feel supported, but I also selfishly needed to be intimately involved and "in the know". I see now that these are issues of my own insecurities. But when I became pregnant, I suddenly expected T to behave exactly as I had behaved during her pregnancy. When she didn't, I mistook it as lack of interest. I kept thinking, "I thought we both wanted another baby, I thought you would be into my pregnancy and being involved, but you're not. Maybe you're drawing away from us; do you not want this child? Do you care at all?" This was incredibly insensitive and self-centered of me to ever think of T. I just had no perspective, no ability to get away and see that she was behaving as she needed to behave for herself and doing the best she could to support not only me, but our daughter through a rough patch. T doesn't have the same insecurities I do. She was never the one attached to The Idea of pregnancy and birth like I was - she carried E and birthed her because that's how we decided to grow our family, and she did an amazing job. But I'd always loved and fantasized about The Idea of pregnancy and birth. It's important to me in a different way. She feels connected enough to this baby through me and through E; she isn't threatened by the fact that she isn't carrying this child within her. So although T does love on my belly and enjoys feeling our son swim around, she doesn't NEED those things deep in her soul to love Little Brother. And that's a different kind of magic.

I've yet again come to the conclusion that we're not so different from other couples, or other families. Just two different people coming together to provide complementary traits for one another. Two people combining their lives in love. Two people not above arguments and miscommunication. Two personalities, two sets of needs. Two people trying their best to support one another through this crazy, often unexpected thing we call Life.

"So A, is it easier/better going through a pregnancy with a wife who's been pregnant herself?"
I really don't know. I've never been through a pregnancy with a husband, and I've never been through a pregnancy with a wife who hasn't been through a pregnancy, so I honestly cannot say. I think the only safe thing to say is that everyone is different and there is no way for one person to experience both. And even if there was, the fact still remains that not all pregnancies are the same within the same woman.

I'm thankful for the knowledge of and experience with pregnancy that T brings to the table. Sometimes I wish she knew less or were slightly more sympathetic, but it's exactly because of those reasons paired with her innate knowledge of me that cause her to push me to be my best self. She knows when I could do better and she knows when I'm really at the end of my rope. This is her responsibility in our relationship - to know me, to love me, to ground me in truth and logic and real life. I need those things.

She still helps me daily to be my own best self, or at least the best version I can muster at that point in time. In knowing and accepting these truths, I know that this experience is meant for me. Just like she's meant for me.

10 Weeks

5 Weeks

Full-term

37 weeks.  I can scarcely believe we're so close to meeting our Ever.  Though she isn't due for twenty more days, realistically she could arrive any time.  It's an interesting way we're living right now, full of wonder.  When will T go into labor?  Will Evie be early or late?  On time?  What's she going to look like?  What will her voice sound like?

I don't think there's anyone in my shoes who could put these questions out into the air without also wondering of the deeper fears in their hearts.  Of course, I'm no exception.  I'm not a father, so I wouldn't know, but I think maybe some fathers also share my concern that my daughter isn't going to like my company.

Or that I won't be able to soothe her, put her to sleep, bathe her, get up with her at night, etc.  Unfortunately, there will be no telling what Ever's going to like or dislike until she gets here, and all my sadness over imagined issues is not helping to pass the time!

Luckily, I have other things to occupy me.  Like drawing the design that T is going to tool onto the cover of Evie's baby book, creating pages for the baby book, finishing the belly cast we did a couple weeks ago, cleaning the house up after our major re-organize, searching for cloth diapering supplies on the internet, etc!  Overall, I feel like we're doing really well right now, beside my too-much-whining.  I finally feel that our house is nearing the finish line, if only I'd get up and finish instead of writing a blog!

I guess there isn't a huge amount of meaningful things I need to say to the blogosphere right now other than I am just so looking forward to Evie's birth.  I am floored that our daughter's due date is in only twenty days.  Every other milestone in this pregnancy has had a definite timeframe, but of course labor and birth doesn't!  It seems oddly appropriate that waiting for her birth is a question mark, just like waiting for her conception was.  It is clear to me that this little one has particular ideas about things already, so we are just waiting for her to decide to come to us.

Everyone is so excited to meet you, darling girl!

I'll round out this entry with some photos that T's mother took of T and myself yesterday morning, the first day of the 37th week.

A baby shower and an update

A few weekends ago was our baby shower!  It was a tad later than is considered "normal" to have a shower, as T was 35 weeks (at the time...), but our schedules and family schedules have been crazy!  Our good friend Deb offered to host the shower when we had just barely told her we were having a baby, and she lives in this awesome community where they have a kitchen and common room for large gatherings.  She put up with all our control issues gracefully and provided fantastic food and wisdom for us.  Thank you, Deb.  You've been an incredible friend for many years, and I count us as extremely fortunate to have you in our lives.

Our shower was full of love and laughter, carnitas tacos and chocolate buttermilk cupcakes.  Everyone gathered together to share food and stories and the atmosphere was thick with the love everyone has for us and for Evie.  It was nothing short of incredible.  I doubt I could ever thank the people who attended thoroughly enough for their generosity - especially the family and friends who came from a distance to spend the evening with us in celebration.

Many people wrote to Evie in her leatherbound "Love Letters" book that we've been writing to her in since her conception - I cherish these little notes.

We also had a table set up outside, where everyone rubber-banded onesies (and some shirts and socks) and tie-dyed them!  Check out what they all look like together:

Amazing, right?!  We love them, thanks to everyone who made one!

Not only did we come away from the shower with our hearts and bellies full, but our CR-V was full of gifts for Ever, too!  Wow, everyone.

There's just... it's overwhelming.  Whoa.  I can't help but feeling that everyone overspent, shouldn't have spoiled us so entirely.  Don't get me wrong, we are intensely thankful but at the same time, we just aren't accustomed to being so thoroughly at the center of so many presents and so much attention!

Now, T is 36 weeks 5 days.  Time continues to slip through my fingers and we find ourselves only one more day from the date that marks our Evie as "full-term".  I think I've spent much of T's pregnancy in a state of amazement, in awe of the human body and in awe of her body, specifically.  The creation of new life - what could be more impressive?

Since the baby shower, we've dropped off in our blog writing, in our social media participation, in many aspects of keeping in touch.  Our apologies.  The days have simply been packed full of things to do, places to go, and jobs to work.  The whole pregnancy, we've been saying that we need to clean out the office and make it into a guest room.  Of course, the nursery also needs finishing, and on top of those things we'd hoped to get all our carpet steam-cleaned.

Maybe there's always things that don't get accomplished on everyone's "Before Baby Comes" list.  Or maybe everyone else is less ambitious.  Or maybe they all had their houses in order before they got pregnant.  Or maybe they care less.  Who knows.  I am certain that there aren't enough hours in the day.  It gets quickly overwhelming when I think about all the little things I'd hoped to get done before little girl arrives, but I'm doubtful now.

Thankfully, the office/guest room is nearly finished.  Just in the organizing phase now, which is annoying and time-consuming and I can't watch the Olympics while I do it. The nursery is so close to being done, just waiting on some photographs for the walls.  (Her dresser is pleasantly filling up with clothes!  Amazing!)

Now for what you all want to know about: T and E!  T is exhausted much of the time now, and I keep trying to tell her that her job is only to keep cooking Evie and stay rested.  She is the eternal "do-er" and seems intensely frustrated by her tiredness and physical limitations.  Pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart, as it turns out.  Soon you'll be done with this part, love, and you can climb all the ladders and carry anything you want. Evie seems to be doing just peachy, she's very active and enjoys torturing T by stretching, punching, and kicking everything and everywhere.

At our most recent Centering class, the midwife mentioned that Evie had descended down into T's pelvis some and was positioned well.  We are so thankful she's head-down!  T's Braxton-Hicks contractions have been growing more and more intense, and it seems that her body is doing a lot of exercise in preparation for birth.

Last weekend we took some belly photos, I'd like to share them with you all:

And a couple teaser nursery photos!

The photographs on the wall are all courtesy of my mother, who spent all day watching her poppies blossom and taking amazing photos of them.  We are so pleased that all the photographs going on the walls in Evie's room were taken by my mother or T's mother; Evie has such incredible grandmothers and we are so glad for them.

Until next time... I hope life finds you all well.

If You Give A Pregnant Woman A Steam-Cleaner...

She's going to want her wife to steam-clean all the carpets in the house.  Hey, we should start in the living room!  But before we can steam-clean the carpet, we need to shove all our furniture into our combination kitchen/dining room.

While her wife is steaming, the pregnant woman will reconsider the arrangement of the living room furniture.

Once the carpet is dry, she'll want to try out some new furniture scenarios.  But in order to try new things out, it involves moving the television and entertainment unit to a different wall, requiring that the cable for satellite TV be run through a different exterior wall.  Which will require a masonry drill bit.  Which the steam-cleaning wife and the pregnant woman don't own.  Then the lucky father of the pregnant woman gets to come save the day by assisting the pregnant woman in running the new cable through the wall.  Then, the rotten father of the pregnant woman will suggest that in addition to vacuuming, wiping, and zip-tying all the cords at the back of the unit together, she should also cable-staple said zip-tied cord bundles to the back of the unit in accordance with the brickwork-style compartments in the Ikea unit.  Because everyone hates seeing cables behind entertainment units stuffed with electronics and children's DVDs and toys and books.

If the furniture gets rearranged, then all the previous decorations in the living room will need to be altered.  The new space on the walls will of course need new things to occupy them, including MORE photographs than already adorn our home.

And once all that is accomplished, there are of course more rooms to rearrange, redecorate, and steam-clean.


Naturally, I trust you all understand my tongue-in-cheek humor here!  Truthfully, I've found T's new nesting instincts to be rather charming and adorable - likely because I know they aren't here to stay!  I've enjoyed helping out, and I absolutely don't want her doing anything chemical-ish anyway so I'm the first one to volunteer to handle these things.

As I would hope you could tell, nesting has set in for my wonderfully pregnant wife.  Things I don't think I'd ever expect to come from her mouth have been issuing forth at a somewhat alarming pace.  To mention a few:
"I'm really tired of the hard water stains on our dishes.  I think I'll soak the dishes in vinegar and rub the stains off. "
"I feel like I NEED to clean out the junk drawer.  It's driving me crazy."
"Next time most of the silverware is out of the drawer, we should put the plastic divider into the dishwasher."  (This one I actually agree with, lol.)
"The linen closet really needs to be gone through and reorganized.  I think I'll wash everything in there after work tonight."
"Would you mind dusting and then wiping down the ceiling fan blades and housing this weekend?  I really want to balance it better so it STOPS CLICKING ALL THE TIME."
A couple weekends ago I even caught her dusting the fire extinguisher.  (She doesn't seem to appreciate the humor in this that I do.)

To her immense credit, she's been very productive.  She did clean out the junk drawer, she did clean out and reorganize (and label) the shelves of the linen closet.  She's been going through old documents that we tend to neglect by leaving in giant piles and discover again two years later.  Not to mention that she's already washed and put away the baby clothing she received at her surprise work shower in June.  And we've finally cleaned out the cabinet in the kitchen that was devoted to our foster kids - kid dishes, sippy cups, baby food, formula, bibs, meds, you name it.  Haven't even looked in that cabinet in seven months, but now it's been cleaned out and reorganized as well.

The biggest thing left on our list is to clean out the office and create a guest bedroom in its stead.  This is on my To-Do list for this weekend while T handles a huge Catholic youth convention ... I'd rather be me than her this weekend, and that is saying something because the office is a huge undertaking!  Once we can get the guest room going, we'll be able to finish up Ever's room and then we'll be much closer to ready.

Speaking of ready.  I've spent much of my time lately occupying that place of total delight in the idea of meeting my daughter while simultaneously being in denial that she's really going to be here sometime in the next three to seven weeks.  Same old story, right?

In the next couple weeks we'll be doing a casting of T's belly, too, and I'm pretty stoked about that.  Also, my lactation induction protocol is about to change majorly!  I'm stopping the birth control after tomorrow, and beginning to take breastmilk production enhancing herbs and starting to pump.  We'll see in the next couple weeks if we've got any luck!  Let's see, what else... Oh, we took some cute photos!  And T got a new lens for the camera for her birthday, and we're really excited about that.  Photos from the new lens to come soon, hopefully.  Here are the cute ones we took from last weekend to tide you over:

With our dog, Manni!

Knitting Evie's newest beautiful hat.

Caught her stretching - whoa, lookit that belly!

Song of the Cicada

The first hints of this summer's upcoming monsoon season are sneaking their tendrils into our 105 degree days, teasing the college kids with a few hours of higher humidity and cooler temperatures.  The locals know it won't hit full force for a while still, but the first drops of rain our parched desert has drunk in months are quite seductive.  The scent of the moistened creosote is absolutely the smell of the desert - my desert.  The cicadas sing their droning monotony as a few drips of rain patter the warm pavement and the humidity sinks down among us, shrugging itself around our shoulders and stealing away in between flyaway hairs, curling them to our necks and causing perspiration at our temples.  The combination of the water and the hot pavement release rich-smelling minerals out into the air, and every now and again you can catch a cool breeze punctuating the pressing heat of the day.  It's absolutely intoxicating.

Although we've always said we'd like to live somewhere greener, somewhere with real seasons, I know I would miss the desert immeasurably.  I love living here, for all its misgivings.  It's my home, it lives on in my heart and in my dreams and it presses heavily on me tonight, a night following a day of thunder and lightning and slight, sweetly delicious rainfall.

Life as we know it is full of comforting daily expectations, things we've lived with for years.  But life is also full of uncertainty, especially for us or maybe just for me.  This new person about to join us will change so much.  Of course we know that; I know that.  What'll it be like?  Who is she?  Is she going to like me?  Am I going to be good enough for her?  Did we do the right thing?  All questions that most parents have asked themselves while waiting for their children to be born.  Like pregnancy, so many before us have walked this path and yet I find that it doesn't make me feel less ... alone, for lack of a better term.  It feels nearly as if we're the first people ever to travel this journey.  Perhaps that's one of the great miracles of creating life.

Each one of us is so full of magic and hope and promise and miraculousness.  It's incredible that my body functions, my heart beats and my brain fires and my nerves respond and I'm a thinking, breathing, living being.  Yet I don't feel terribly special, on a day to day basis.  My wife is growing my daughter inside her body, and that absolutely amazes me.  She was created from mere cells, and in the last seven months has gone from a tiny cluster of cells to a tiny being, one who already has the beginnings of her personality.  What could be more incredible than a brand new life?

I do feel badly for T.  She is thirty weeks now, and her discomfort seems only to increase by the day.  We've been waiting so long for this, and I only wish it were easier for her.  I wish I could shoulder more of her discomfort, her pain, the little things that annoy her.  I am a fixer, and I can't fix this.  We just have to wait together, fingers entwined, shoulder to shoulder, for Ever.  Forever.  For the present, and for the future, and hope for some wisdom in there somewhere.

I suppose the weather has left me feeling contemplative.  I apologize that this hasn't been a more informative post, though I suspect it is likely indicative of my frame of mind tonight.

I leave you with a picture of T, showing off her new trick as we sit down to have frozen yogurt together.

California weekend

It's been awhile, eh blog?  I've missed you!

Things here have been as crazy as usual - and in some ways, crazier!  The first weekend in June we drove into Thousand Oaks, California for T's grandfather's wedding as well as some (not enough) beach time with the family.

First, we met up with T's cousin Ami and her boyfriend Ben for dinner - I'd never met them before, and they're wonderful!  I just wish we lived closer so we could hang out.

Both Grandpa and his new bride are widows (widowers?), and they are very sweet together.  It was lovely of them to invite us to come for their big day.

Me and T at the reception


Following the reception, we drove down to the beach town we were married in, Laguna Beach.  We took an awesome picture of T with her iPhone, but the iPhone sadly got left at the in-laws house tonight so you all are going to have to wait to see the great Laguna Beach lifeguard tower photo.

We spent a few hours wandering around our favorite haunts, including our very favorite shop, Art for the Soul.  Bought a couple of greeting cards there and were shooed out the door at closing time.  We got some gelato and sat on the boardwalk, freezing our butts off and loving every moment of the chilly salt air that blew through our thin Arizona clothes.  We'd hoped to have dinner in our new favorite cafe, but it was an hour and a half wait to eat so we decided to hightail it outta there and head to our hotel in nearby Dana Point, where T's family all were.

We picked up some dinner from the hotel restaurant and enjoyed an evening together with my brother and sister-in-law and our nephew Erik, my out-laws, and our littlest nephew Jon.

The next morning (after eating breakfast at a doughnut shop, of all places) we headed to the beach in Dana Point.  T and I dug out an area for her to sit in the sand and began building some sand castles.

After spending a few hours together on the beach (T's siblings and their kids were there, too!) it was time to leave.  We headed back home to Tucson.  A few hours into the drive, I noticed my face was starting to feel tight.  I thought to myself, "Yes, I must've gotten a little sunburned.  Oh well."

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Not just a little sunburned.  A LOT sunburned.  I had been wearing my sunglasses most of the time and so I had the supremely cool "raccoon" sunburn going on.  Not to mention where my pants had been rolled up - my shins and the top of my feet fried.  So did T's, as well as my very unfortunate mother-in-law, who received the worst of it by far.  She had sausage legs and feet for several days and is still recovering, over a week later.  My father-in-law had minimal leg burning, T got a bit of a burn on her face as well but it was not as rockin' as mine.  It is a really good thing I don't have a customer service job, haha.  I was frightening there for a few days.

Both on the drive to and fro, I continually was full of gladness.  I'm so fortunate to have someone who never is boring, someone who I never get tired of or need time away from, someone who laughs at my goofy jokes and humors me when I have crazy ideas for intricate photos.  Someone who understands what I need, someone who I can take care of and love on.  Someone who also wants to take care of me and be with me.  I recognize that these are all great qualities in your life partner, but I also see that not everybody has this in their life.  I'm glad for you, T.  And I'm glad for our tiny Ever, who is only going to make us a fuller family.

So for anybody who isn't counting the weeks carefully (or crazily, as I am...) T is 28 weeks along now.  That is very pregnant.  That is nearly seven months pregnant.  Evie is growing faster than ever, with about five or six pounds to gain yet.  That little fact sometimes is concerning, as poor T's belly already seems stretched to its limit.  We of course realize that it is NOT actually stretched to its limit, but it is very tight and Evie is quite insistent about moving around still.  We began to notice and feel her hiccuping in there last weekend, right when T sat down on the beach.  It's very adorable.  T may not think so, I don't know.

The belly button is an ever-evolving source of entertainment, as well.  It's totally flat most of the time, with a small purpley star in its center.  When her abdominal muscles contract, it pooches the belly button out a little bit and forces her belly into a cone shape, and that makes her laugh. We're interested to see if it ever really "pops" out.  There's still lots of time for that.

In our Bradley class (which has finally started becoming useful!) our homework this week was to pack a birthing bag for the birth center!  Insanity!  I mean, okay great, it's awesome and Boy Scoutish to be prepared and all, but eek!  Time to pack the birth bag means the baby will be here soon.  SOON.  Hmm.  Notice, I did not say that we'd actually packed the bag.  Mostly I've just been thinking about how that means the baby is coming soon.  But yes, the Bradley instructor is now going over laboring positions and pushing positions and birth-type scenarios, which is scary and exciting.  I'm glad to be DOING SOMETHING other than talking about nutrition and how much exercise is enough.

Speaking of Bradley homework, I have two chapters in the silly and outdated Husband-Coached Childbirth book to read.  Must go.

I promise, we'll be back soon, because we've got a lot of stuff to talk about and mull over and T will be writing a review on The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding here soon.

We love you all and hope you're doing well!

Our Little Easter Egg

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Ours was busy, but that's the way we like it.

Saturday morning we got to sleep in a bit. When we did get out of bed we talked about what we each wanted to accomplish during the day. The list was quite intimidating and overwhelming. Eventually I resorted to writing it down and we dove in. Since our weekends are rarely spent together, I pouted and insisted until A agreed that we would do our errands together even if it meant not accomplishing as much.

We started with taking the truck for an oil change. While we waited we made a menu for the week and shopped across the street. We came back home and got a bunch of clothes and some of our old nursery stuff to a second-hand store. It was going to be quite a wait so we ran to Wal-Mart (yuck!) to buy some under-the-bed storage containers. We got some cute onesies while we were there. When we got back, they had finished and only wanted 3 of the things we brought. We left the rest of the clothes for them to donate to charity and took the baby things to sell on craigslist. I found a pair of jeans and a shirt, which are both desperately needed.

We dropped the unsold baby things off at home and took the truck to the car wash for a bath. By the end of this I was exhausted and we headed home. A detailed the inside of the truck and took pictures so we can start pursuing selling it and getting something with better gas mileage. I, however, laid on the couch and read a book (which is not about pregnancy!).

By this time the sun was setting and it was time to head to my parents house for our weekly craft night. My goal was to do taxes and A was excited to see some pottery she had glazed that would be coming out of the kiln. Unfortunately, it hadn't cooled off enough to bring out yet, but we were greeted with a much better surprise...

For our nursery we decided not to get a set and just make it ourselves. We want to get vinyl wall stickers of birch trees and put them on the wall that the crib will be on. I really wanted to make or buy some kind of moon wall lamp. We also wanted to incorporate owls into the theme somehow. It turns out inspiration struck my mom. She spent the day carving an amazing snowy owl out of clay that lays over a ring that will hold a piece of fused and slumped glass for our moon light! It is amazing and I can't wait to see the finished product.

After the excitement of the lamp wore off we got some food. By this point it was getting sort of late and we hadn't accomplished any crafting. We had brought some washable markers and I asked A if she wanted to decorate my belly or do something else. We found some chairs that were good heights and she started her belly art. At this point I should mention to those of you who don't know me, or somehow missed this information, I am incredibly ticklish. I have almost lost friends over it, I have an actual physical scar from it, I really, really hate it when people tickle me. Markers on my belly tickled a lot. Somehow I made it through without any injury to my lovely wife and with a great Easter belly!



Everyone took pictures and laughed at my belly (and laughed more when I laughed and the egg changed shapes!).

Saturday was dedicated to visiting A's family in Gilbert. We slept too late, took a while to get out of the house, and needed to stop and take care of the cats we are cat-sitting for the week. We finally got to Gilbert in time for a late lunch. When we came back I worked on our taxes a bit and A and her mom started getting things together to dye eggs. This year we both independently found articles about dyeing eggs with natural dyes, so that seemed the way to go. We brought cabbage for blue and turmeric for yellow. We had some pomegranate and cranberry tea for red, but forgot it at home. The article A found showed how to use pieces of nylons to hold leaves and flowers on the eggs, so that was what we were going to do.



Other than the awful smelling kitchen, the eggs turned out amazing. While they were steeping, my brother-in-law, H, showed up with his new girlfriend, S. We chatted with them for a while and then pulled the eggs out of the pots of dye.



and our favorite--


We had a great dinner and got to just sit in the living room and tell stories and get to know S. I don't think we scared her away, which is a good thing. After they left I worked on our taxes some more so my father-in-law could help me with the part for our business.

We finally left around 10:45 and headed home. It was a great weekend!

Dad's Birthday

Yesterday we drove up to visit with my family to celebrate my father's birthday!

We hit the Arizona Bike Week kickoff party at Buddy Stubbs' Harley Davidson dealership to wander amongst the thousands of motorcycles and listen to a band my parents love and follow, RIG.  We walked up to the entrance and stood in a winding line, waiting to be checked and wanded and carded and finally admitted.  The guy checking purses asked to see inside my mom's and T's purses.  When T opened hers to show him, the thing on top was a shiny red Braeburn apple.  He was visibly surprised by this, and looked at her and commented, "My, that's very health-conscious of you!"

In response, she said, "I've got a little - " and patted her hand to her dress to show that she was packin' a baby belly.  The guy laughed and smiled and said, "Wow, I didn't even notice that!  You wear it so well."

Also, we kind of stuck out like sore thumbs in the line, because we didn't realize we were going to be attending a Bike Week party, so we weren't dressed for the part!  T was gorgeously cute and round in a beautiful blue and white sundress with a navy blue button up top and black flats, my mom wore jeans and a bright pink long-sleeved shirt, and I was wearing jeans cut off at my knees and flip flops.  My dad and brother didn't stick out so much, as they were both wearing jeans and black shirts and Dad wore black leather boots, but I'm certain we were an interesting group of five, haha.  Everyone else wore jeans and boots and leather vests with patches and doo rags or bandannas folded and tied around their foreheads.

There was a rather frightening woman who wore low-rise jeans, unbuttoned, and boots, and nothing else.  Her breasts had been painted with the Harley bar and shield (poorly, I might add) and swung about as she thrust her chest out and proudly displayed herself to anyone caught looking.  She was very sun-browned and starting to get that leathery wrinkle that some people collect so vigorously.

It was really a fascinating crowd, on the whole.  Women who, dressed differently, would be considered elderly, wore leathers and drank beer and stomped their feet to the music.  Little 3 and 4 year old boys wearing jeans and Harley tshirts darted through the crowd, clinging to their fathers or grandfathers' leather vests while chasing one another.  Biker parents with biker babies wheeled strollers around the dealership.  The dealership even had a section with a bunch of Harley Davidson baby and kids' clothing.  It was simply awesome.

I especially loved the part where we wandered the dealership, sitting on these brand new and shiny Harleys and pretending that one day, I'd have one of my own.  I don't believe I ever will have one anywhere but in the daydreams my mind provides, but I'm okay with that.

We also ate well while visiting my family!  Two great restaurants, two great meals.  We hung out at their house, talking about everything that needed discussion.  My mom got to feel the Cupcake moving around in T's belly!  She began to understand why I sometimes refer to T's belly as "The Lump".

Overall, I had a great Saturday visiting with my parents and my brother.  I miss them; I hope for the second half of T's pregnancy we get to see them much more frequently.  

4 Months!

Okay, I guess *technically* T isn't four months along until tomorrow, but close enough.

Couple things happening in our lives right now!  First, T has been experiencing the baby moving around in there since last Friday!  She says at first, it was like maybe once a day she would feel like she was getting poked from the inside.  But now it's happening more and more; she thinks that when she first began to feel movement, it was only when the baby made a huge effort at it.  Now, she's beginning to feel enough subtlety that she's experiencing the "bubbles" or "flutters" that everyone claims is the first movement she would feel.

I keep hoping every day that maybe it'll be my turn to feel some of these pokes or flutters from the outside, but until that day happens I'm okay to wait.  Not too long though!

Sunday morning we were taking advantage of a lazy day, and stayed in bed reading after we woke up.  T placed my hand over her belly, and I was surprised to discover that there was only what could be described as a palm-sized lump in her lower abdomen.  Until now, it's always been kind of a generalized round belly that was pretty firm.  But this... was almost reminiscent of a tumor or something, haha.  It was amazing.  A few minutes later, she mentioned that the lump was in a different place.  I felt again, and indeed the baby lump was in a different place.  Over the next twenty minutes or so it went from being stretched out horizontally under T's belly button, to laying vertically on first the right side and then the left side, curled up in the middle, and then stretched out way down low.  At one point I even had my hand cupped over the lump, and T pressed into her belly just beside it and I actually felt the baby roll underneath my palm!

I can't help but look at this little lump in T's belly and be incredulous.  There really is a baby in there!  Whoa!

Which brings me to my next upcoming event: our anatomy scan is scheduled for April 3rd - TWO WEEKS away!  We are hoping to learn the sex of the baby.  If baby cooperates.

A common question surrounding learning the sex of our baby is, "Do you have a preference?"

You know, I used to.  I don't anymore.

I've hoped for years that our first baby would be a little girl.  There are reasons, but none of any real weight. I imagined that learning we were having a boy would disappoint me, and that fear drove me to request that we learn the sex of the baby before the birth.  It is important to me that the day of the birth is only a day of joy, not one with anything less than that.  Much less disappointment or resentment.

In the past week or two, I've spent a lot of time thinking about sex preferences.  I discovered that there is no reason for me to be disappointed over having a son first over a daughter.  I've known little boys and loved little boys, it isn't difficult for me to imagine having a son or loving a son.

I know that the sex of the baby is determined at the moment of conception - but knowing it doesn't always equal living it.  It finally hit me that wishing and hoping for a girl didn't do any good after we learned T was pregnant.  We're already getting who we are getting.  Our son or our daughter is already in there, we're already in love, so what does it matter which one it is?  I actually began to feel intense guilt about it.  That if we're having a boy, I've been wishing for someone other than him this whole time.  It isn't his fault he's a boy.    And ultimately I haven't been wishing for someone other than who's in there.  I want exactly who is already in there.  So whether this baby has boy-parts or girl-parts, it doesn't matter at all.

Now I'm just excited to learn which one it is!

Lastly, my domperidone finally came in after some drama with the pharmacy in New Zealand, so I ordered from another place in the UK.  So I've been taking the domperidone and the birth control since Friday, and now we're anxiously awaiting to see how severely the hormones are going to affect me.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed that I remain the unemotional, level person I always have been!  (Snicker.  Yeah...  Let's hope for NOT a crazed lunatic and call it a WIN.)

Okay.  That's been long enough.  I leave you with photos.  Happy first day of spring today!

Gratuitous Belly Photo

I feel like I'm about a month ahead of schedule...

It is also at the end of the day when it tends to show a little more.

(gestationally somewhere between 8 weeks 3 days and 9 weeks 2 days, depending on what due date you go by...)