Roller Derby Taught Me How to Give Birth

Well, it is 5:30am and I'm awake.  Exhausted, but awake.  There is no reason for it, other than my inability to fall back asleep, so I'm trying to keep my mind busy until it is ready to try again. Maybe I'll eat something, too.

After our first few birth classes I told A I when I wrote a review of the book it would be about how everything I learned about giving birth, I learned from roller derby. So here is is.

The two prevailing methods of natural childbirth that were recommended to us were the Bradley Method and Hypnobirthing (I've since learned that there is Hypnobirthing and Hypnobabies and they are more different than their names suggest). From the little research I did, I decided that Bradley seemed like it would be a better fit for me. It approaches birth as an athletic event that you need to train your body for.  It incorporates exercise, relaxation, and nutrition and advocates knowledge and decision making for the parents (rather than just doing whatever interventions the hospital says are necessary, or worse, routine).  So we dropped $275 on 12 weeks of classes.

I finished the book for our Bradley Method Class last week.  Well, most of it.  There were some chapters that got skimmed and others I'm sure I missed.  The assigned reading jumped around a lot, so there was a level of disjointedness to it all.  There were chapters that I could swear I had read before, but it turned out "Husband-Coached Childbirth" is just *that* repetitive.  It really seemed to be writing for the idiot husband of a helpless wife.  I found this really contradictory to its message of the natural power of a woman to give birth. Maybe the only way Dr. Bradley knew how to empower husbands was to make them play the hero.  

A and I met when we were 18 while playing roller derby.  We played for about 5 years.  During that time we were on different teams, the same team, local teams, traveling teams, we coached and captained, everything. A was even a referee for a while. It was our lives.

The early years!

The only thing I can come up with is that those 5 years put us more in tune with each other than your average couple taking these classes. We have already learned how to communicate subtly and know what the other person is about to do.  We have seen each other in pain and we know whether space or contact is what is needed.  We understand the difference between pain because something is wrong and pain because your body is doing work. We know never to say "just one more time"  if there is no guarantee. I know that I don't want to hear that I'm "half way there" during each contraction the same way I hated to hear when a drill was half way done (the second half always seemed so much longer!). We know when the other one needs encouragement and that it isn't by telling everyone in the room "Isn't my wife doing great!?"

Its hard to explain, but all of the activities we had to do to learn how to relax just seemed childish.  Honestly, if during labor she puts pressure on a tense muscle and actually says, "this is what a tense muscle feels like, relax this muscle on your next exhale", I'm pretty sure I would kick her out of the room. She knows this, but it doesn't matter, because she would never do it anyways.  I'm pretty sure it drove our instructor crazy that she wouldn't use the prompts we were supposed to be practicing, but we didn't need to. I knew if she was massaging a muscle that I needed to relax it and she knew that if I was having a hard time doing it I would take a deep breath and then be able to.

Maybe I would have come out of this all less cynical if we hadn't been the only couple in the class.  If there had been other people to answer questions and direct the flow of conversation.  If I could see that people really were learning something.  The most important thing I got from the class was that I was already as prepared as possible to give birth and I didn't need 12 weeks of classes to get there.  So I guess that is something.

All in all, I still agree with the idea of an athletic event that you should prepare your body for. I agree that your partner is the best person to help you and be there if you need guidance. Maybe books written by other people on the Bradley Method aren't quite so awful. But I honestly don't care enough to find out.

The most important lesson I learned from roller derby: Be fearless.  Just do what needs to be done, it will take longer and be much more painful if you are afraid.

Me jamming at 2007 Nationals, maybe I'll have a flat belly again one day!

A jamming at 2006 Nationals (she wasn't normally a jammer, poor A)

California weekend

It's been awhile, eh blog?  I've missed you!

Things here have been as crazy as usual - and in some ways, crazier!  The first weekend in June we drove into Thousand Oaks, California for T's grandfather's wedding as well as some (not enough) beach time with the family.

First, we met up with T's cousin Ami and her boyfriend Ben for dinner - I'd never met them before, and they're wonderful!  I just wish we lived closer so we could hang out.

Both Grandpa and his new bride are widows (widowers?), and they are very sweet together.  It was lovely of them to invite us to come for their big day.

Me and T at the reception


Following the reception, we drove down to the beach town we were married in, Laguna Beach.  We took an awesome picture of T with her iPhone, but the iPhone sadly got left at the in-laws house tonight so you all are going to have to wait to see the great Laguna Beach lifeguard tower photo.

We spent a few hours wandering around our favorite haunts, including our very favorite shop, Art for the Soul.  Bought a couple of greeting cards there and were shooed out the door at closing time.  We got some gelato and sat on the boardwalk, freezing our butts off and loving every moment of the chilly salt air that blew through our thin Arizona clothes.  We'd hoped to have dinner in our new favorite cafe, but it was an hour and a half wait to eat so we decided to hightail it outta there and head to our hotel in nearby Dana Point, where T's family all were.

We picked up some dinner from the hotel restaurant and enjoyed an evening together with my brother and sister-in-law and our nephew Erik, my out-laws, and our littlest nephew Jon.

The next morning (after eating breakfast at a doughnut shop, of all places) we headed to the beach in Dana Point.  T and I dug out an area for her to sit in the sand and began building some sand castles.

After spending a few hours together on the beach (T's siblings and their kids were there, too!) it was time to leave.  We headed back home to Tucson.  A few hours into the drive, I noticed my face was starting to feel tight.  I thought to myself, "Yes, I must've gotten a little sunburned.  Oh well."

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Not just a little sunburned.  A LOT sunburned.  I had been wearing my sunglasses most of the time and so I had the supremely cool "raccoon" sunburn going on.  Not to mention where my pants had been rolled up - my shins and the top of my feet fried.  So did T's, as well as my very unfortunate mother-in-law, who received the worst of it by far.  She had sausage legs and feet for several days and is still recovering, over a week later.  My father-in-law had minimal leg burning, T got a bit of a burn on her face as well but it was not as rockin' as mine.  It is a really good thing I don't have a customer service job, haha.  I was frightening there for a few days.

Both on the drive to and fro, I continually was full of gladness.  I'm so fortunate to have someone who never is boring, someone who I never get tired of or need time away from, someone who laughs at my goofy jokes and humors me when I have crazy ideas for intricate photos.  Someone who understands what I need, someone who I can take care of and love on.  Someone who also wants to take care of me and be with me.  I recognize that these are all great qualities in your life partner, but I also see that not everybody has this in their life.  I'm glad for you, T.  And I'm glad for our tiny Ever, who is only going to make us a fuller family.

So for anybody who isn't counting the weeks carefully (or crazily, as I am...) T is 28 weeks along now.  That is very pregnant.  That is nearly seven months pregnant.  Evie is growing faster than ever, with about five or six pounds to gain yet.  That little fact sometimes is concerning, as poor T's belly already seems stretched to its limit.  We of course realize that it is NOT actually stretched to its limit, but it is very tight and Evie is quite insistent about moving around still.  We began to notice and feel her hiccuping in there last weekend, right when T sat down on the beach.  It's very adorable.  T may not think so, I don't know.

The belly button is an ever-evolving source of entertainment, as well.  It's totally flat most of the time, with a small purpley star in its center.  When her abdominal muscles contract, it pooches the belly button out a little bit and forces her belly into a cone shape, and that makes her laugh. We're interested to see if it ever really "pops" out.  There's still lots of time for that.

In our Bradley class (which has finally started becoming useful!) our homework this week was to pack a birthing bag for the birth center!  Insanity!  I mean, okay great, it's awesome and Boy Scoutish to be prepared and all, but eek!  Time to pack the birth bag means the baby will be here soon.  SOON.  Hmm.  Notice, I did not say that we'd actually packed the bag.  Mostly I've just been thinking about how that means the baby is coming soon.  But yes, the Bradley instructor is now going over laboring positions and pushing positions and birth-type scenarios, which is scary and exciting.  I'm glad to be DOING SOMETHING other than talking about nutrition and how much exercise is enough.

Speaking of Bradley homework, I have two chapters in the silly and outdated Husband-Coached Childbirth book to read.  Must go.

I promise, we'll be back soon, because we've got a lot of stuff to talk about and mull over and T will be writing a review on The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding here soon.

We love you all and hope you're doing well!

Bradley Class #1

We had our first Bradley Class this week. I'm not completely thrilled with our choice yet. Really, if the method weren't so highly recommended to us, there is no possible way I would have chosen to go to a class on "Husband Coached Birth". Nor would I buy a book about it. But alas, it seemed like the best choice. Hopefully we were right.

There were about 5 different classes in town and they were all starting around the same time (remember A's entry about emailing the instructors?). Evidently this isn't the norm, so our class only has us and one other couple... and they have already taken the class. It just feels a little awkward. I guess I should just count myself lucky because we basically get a private class for the cost of the group class. Our instructor is interesting. She is a chiropractor and the classes are at her practice. I like her, but it is obvious that some of her chiropractic views contradict with what she is supposed to teach.

For our first class we watched some old birth videos, talked about pain management and nutrition, and went over the exercises.

I keep putting off doing the food journal. It just annoys me. Really, right now I'm just trying to find *enough* food. Lately nothing sounds good and it makes it really hard to eat more spinach and kale. I think A is as annoyed with it as I am. Regardless last nights dinner had a large serving of spinach, as will this morning's smoothie.

I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed and cynical this week (anyone who talked to me yesterday can attest to my volatile state). Hopefully next week I will be able to focus and be more open to the class and what it is trying to teach us.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I am going to do some editing and then I will post some of the photos my lovely wife took last weekend since we are 20 weeks (half way there, woohoo!).

Sometimes, I forget.

Our birth center offers Centering Classes, which I've written about before and we're excited to participate in.  However, the Centering Classes offer a limited amount of birthing advice so we are seeking additional birth classes.  The Bradley method is a popular natural birth class, one we've heard good things about.  We set to find Bradley instructors here in town, and found several.  It should be mentioned that the Bradley method is referred to as "the Husband-coached birth", which doesn't bother us, but T was concerned about me consistently being referred to as a 'husband' or a 'dad'.  We discussed what to do and settled on emailing all the instructors to politely ask if it would be possible for them to use the terms 'coach' or 'partner' or anything more gender neutral. I guess I didn't really think it would be too much to ask.  Below is the text from the emails I sent to the first four or five instructors:

Hi (instructor name),

I have looked over your website and we are interested in taking your classes.  I am emailing you tonight to ask you what may perhaps be an unusual request.  

My female partner is twelve weeks pregnant.  We have heard very good things about Bradley, hence our interest.  As well, we were referred to your classes by a friend.  My question is, are you willing to substitute the term "partner" for husband/boyfriend during the classes we take?  I understand that this may take a significant effort on your part as I'm sure you are accustomed to using the same terminology in all your classes.  I want to make it clear we aren't trying to make trouble, or make statements of any kind. 

If you are unable or unwilling to change the terminology, we would appreciate knowing that ahead of time so we can find a different class.  We understand and respect that you can offer classes however you please, but if I am consistently going to be referred to as a husband or boyfriend, this simply isn't the right fit for us in our search for a birth class.  

I appreciate your time. 

Yours,

A. McGill  

Today, the email icon on my phone pinged.  I had a new message.  It was a response to my email.  The full email is below. 

A,
Bradley Method® classes are definitely the best childbirth education classes I have seen (which is why I teach them). The information taught in the classes is thorough and effective. Dr Bradley originally titled his classes Husband-Coached Childbirth. I do not use the term boyfriend in my teaching even when there are boyfriend coaches in the class. I use the terms coach, husband, and dad. With the majority of coaches being husbands and dads, it seems unreasonable to never use those words in instructing them.
While I would not intentionally offend anyone participating in my classes, the focus of Bradley Method® classes is preparing our students for pregnancy, labor, birth, and parenting. If I agreed to try to always use the term partner, the focus it would require might jeopardize the content of my classes - something I am not willing to compromise.
If this would offend you, the group setting of my classes might not be the best fit. In order to accommodate your terminology request, we could do a private class with just you and your partner. That cost would be $1500. If you would like to do that, I would be willing to accommodate your request, provided our schedules allow a mutually available class time.
The ideal time for you to begin the 12-week series would be in May or June. Best wishes in your search and for the pregnancy and birth of this beautiful baby.
One last thought to share with you: My standard for parenting is refusing to compromise your child's best interest. What is in your child's best interest is also in your best interest. What appears to be in your best interest may not be in your child's best interest, and, therefore, is not in your best interest either. There are many parents who do not live by that standard, but I think the healthiest children (adults) are reared with that standard.
(instructor name)

First, I was surprised, and then immediately felt hurt.  Obviously in our initial email I'd acknowledged the possibility that someone would be unwilling to use different terminology... but this response just caught me off guard.  Logically, I know there isn't anything outwardly or blatantly rude in her response.  From outside my body, I can see how easy it should be to simply accept that this is not the instructor for us and move on.  Easy peasy.  

Inside my body though, I'm a twisted mass of anger and pain and sadness.  

T and I are incredibly fortunate.  We're surrounded by this wonderful and lovely insular group of family and friends and I don't feel as if we're an unusual couple or that the family we'll have is going to be anything but normal.  But sometimes, I forget that the world isn't always like that.  People exist who think we're freaks, who hate us just for loving each other, who are disgusted at the idea of us being parents.  

Truly, it isn't this woman or her response or her obvious disagreement with how we choose to live and have a family that bothers me.  It's sheer sadness that wounds me tonight; the sharp realization that she truly doesn't want us in her classes, she disagrees with acknowledging non-traditional families, and she doesn't think we should be having this baby.  This is really how she feels.  And she isn't the only one.  

It likely seems that I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion.  I probably am.  But my feelings are honest and raw and sometimes pain has to be felt.  

We've been so protected and surrounded by supportive people, that I forget what it feels like to have people look at us from afar and judge our life together to be inferior and even perverted.  There are bound to be instances coming our way that are going to hurt me, hurt us, and likely hurt our children.  I hate that.  

But other peoples' lack of understanding and acceptance of my family is never going to be enough to stop me.  Could be that someday, some of them might even change their minds.  

Oh, and in case you're wondering, we have received several responses from instructors who are enthusiastic about having us in their classes and are more than happy to use gender neutral terminology.  For these instructors, we are eternally grateful.  As well, we are forever thankful for all of you, our friends and family.  Thank you for helping us feel safe and loved, always.