The second time around (long)

Far and wide, our friends all across the globe know our family is expecting a new addition. We've never been shy about our intentions to both carry at least one pregnancy - if anything, we have shouted it from the rooftops and always been open to talking with people about our family's differences.

Now that I really am pregnant with Little Brother, it's been an eye-opening experience in a myriad of ways. It's been touching for so many of our loved ones to excitedly ask me/us about how it is this time around with our role-reversal. Truly, it means a lot to have people ask and check in and I'm sure that sometimes our ability to swap pregnancies is fascinating. I'm glad people want to know how it's been different and how it's been the same, and that they're comfortable enough with me and my family to know it's okay to ask.

Before this pregnancy, I spent some time considering what those similarities and differences might be. I even started framing responses in my mind, mostly about how all pregnancies are different, even for one woman experiencing several subsequent pregnancies. In thinking about my answers and framing them before I knew what they were, I found another deep pocket of my own arrogance. Don't worry, they're plentiful, so even if I deplete this one, there are undoubtedly always more.

I am 30 weeks pregnant. 75% done. A little over two months to go. In the last 26 weeks (you know, the ones where I have been actually aware that I'm pregnant), I have learned some things. And here is where I admit some painful truths to you all: This pregnancy has been both harder and easier at times than I anticipated. It's been more rewarding and less rewarding than I'd hoped for. It's strained some relationships I didn't think would even be affected. It has been a mental, emotional, and physical challenge. And last... being the currently-pregnant partner to a previously-pregnant partner isn't always what I dreamed it would be.

Some of the more negative aspects I mention are the difficult truths for me, because as some of you know, I've been the most excited person around to get to experience pregnancy for nearly as long as I've been an adult. I've waited and waited my turn, ever since T and I were married in 2008 and I was stoked about having kids since well before that. Obviously, the two things (pregnancy and having kids) are not mutually exclusive, but it was always our plan so in this circumstance, they're connected. I have felt humbled and honored and happy and heartbroken, sometimes all in the same day, during this pregnancy. When I contemplated this glorious pregnant time in my life (before I was actually doing any gestating), I thought I'd be that exhaustingly happy, glowing pregnant woman who loved every moment. Observing myself as I've progressed through each trimester has been a disappointment at times. I have been hard on myself to buck up, not complain, and be grateful, because I found that the difficult parts of pregnancy aren't always something I can power through with sheer will.

It sometimes meant days on end of vomiting and feeling generally shitty while my wonderfully creative 3 year old begged me to play with her and having to tell her no. For awhile, it meant that my wife carried a much heavier load and even while knowing she was at the end of her rope, still telling her that her thoughtful idea of home-fried chicken nuggets was making me feel incredibly sick and to please stop. It's been months of inactivity on the online certification program I'm working even harder now to complete. It's been letting go of any idyllic time or energy to direct towards art projects, holiday-themed crafting with my kid, decorating my house, or even keeping up with housework.

But it's also been unfathomably magical. There is a whole new human growing within me. His genetics are shaped by a combination of my own and the man who also shaped half of E's genetics. This new person will share features and traits with my biological family, specifically my mother, who knows so little and has so few people who share any biological ties to her. I've gotten to feel this person's very first movements, be the very first voice he ever heard, and give him the first taste of what love is. These things have no equal. There is no trade in the universe that would cause me to do things differently if I could.

Perhaps thinking that I'm also giving him a thorough insight into human nature will make me feel less guilty about the challenges. After all, I'm showing him that although my love for him is perfect, I am not and never will be.

Now, think about all the things I've just told you, and try to cram them within an "alternative" framework of a family where both parents can and have experienced a pregnancy. Often, I find the assumption (even within myself and T) is that my pregnancy can only be easier/better due to having a partner who knows what I'm going through. I understand that is only logical.

In truth, even partners with shared events still cannot know the exact minutiae of the other's experience. How silly and naive it feels in hindsight, to have anticipated that T would know exactly what I am going through. After all, shared experiences are not exact duplicates of one another, they merely have certain pieces or parts that overlap. Also, T and I have very different body chemistries, different hormone reactions, different thought processes, and very different emotional responses to stimuli.

Yet again, we have found another area where communication of expectations is key. Mostly we discovered it after weeks of little offenses, disappointments, and internalized resentment. Ahh, the triad of all good marriages, right?

When T was pregnant, I couldn't get enough of her belly. The rest of her was cute as always, but the belly was new and exciting. I studied it day after day. I likely annoyed the crap out of her by touching her all the time, asking what the Cupcake was doing, what she felt like, and touching her some more. I was fixated on the pregnancy; on our baby that I was at significant risk of feeling left out of helping grow. Of course I wanted T to feel supported, but I also selfishly needed to be intimately involved and "in the know". I see now that these are issues of my own insecurities. But when I became pregnant, I suddenly expected T to behave exactly as I had behaved during her pregnancy. When she didn't, I mistook it as lack of interest. I kept thinking, "I thought we both wanted another baby, I thought you would be into my pregnancy and being involved, but you're not. Maybe you're drawing away from us; do you not want this child? Do you care at all?" This was incredibly insensitive and self-centered of me to ever think of T. I just had no perspective, no ability to get away and see that she was behaving as she needed to behave for herself and doing the best she could to support not only me, but our daughter through a rough patch. T doesn't have the same insecurities I do. She was never the one attached to The Idea of pregnancy and birth like I was - she carried E and birthed her because that's how we decided to grow our family, and she did an amazing job. But I'd always loved and fantasized about The Idea of pregnancy and birth. It's important to me in a different way. She feels connected enough to this baby through me and through E; she isn't threatened by the fact that she isn't carrying this child within her. So although T does love on my belly and enjoys feeling our son swim around, she doesn't NEED those things deep in her soul to love Little Brother. And that's a different kind of magic.

I've yet again come to the conclusion that we're not so different from other couples, or other families. Just two different people coming together to provide complementary traits for one another. Two people combining their lives in love. Two people not above arguments and miscommunication. Two personalities, two sets of needs. Two people trying their best to support one another through this crazy, often unexpected thing we call Life.

"So A, is it easier/better going through a pregnancy with a wife who's been pregnant herself?"
I really don't know. I've never been through a pregnancy with a husband, and I've never been through a pregnancy with a wife who hasn't been through a pregnancy, so I honestly cannot say. I think the only safe thing to say is that everyone is different and there is no way for one person to experience both. And even if there was, the fact still remains that not all pregnancies are the same within the same woman.

I'm thankful for the knowledge of and experience with pregnancy that T brings to the table. Sometimes I wish she knew less or were slightly more sympathetic, but it's exactly because of those reasons paired with her innate knowledge of me that cause her to push me to be my best self. She knows when I could do better and she knows when I'm really at the end of my rope. This is her responsibility in our relationship - to know me, to love me, to ground me in truth and logic and real life. I need those things.

She still helps me daily to be my own best self, or at least the best version I can muster at that point in time. In knowing and accepting these truths, I know that this experience is meant for me. Just like she's meant for me.

Thoughts on pregnancy loss

Mid October is already upon us. I love fall, even though we don't really get an autumnal season here, so this month is an enjoyable time for me. E and I have been spending every weekend morning out in our front yard among our harvest/fall decorations, enjoying the cool breeze and being outside without risking a sunburn. This is the first year of E's life where I feel she GETS it better, all the birthdays and holidays and celebrations, so I just know it's going to be a glorious holiday season. She's decided she wants to be a fox for Halloween and she's probably the most excited about trick-or-treating and eating the spoils of her efforts.

This year's autumn is different than any other, for a couple reasons. Obviously, I'm pregnant, which is drastically different than any other year. But on a deeper level, it's a time of grieving and reflection for me because the baby I miscarried early this year was supposed to be born mid-October. Appropriately, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance month. Since I lost that baby, my emotions have run the gamut. It's such a personal and private thing, to feel and know that my body lost a baby we'd waited and wished for so long. And yet, millions of women across the world are navigating pregnancy loss or infant loss, and the worst part is they're doing it alone. It's hard not to feel shame, to blame myself for what happened. I believe strongly that talking about it with our loved ones is important, if only so that the next woman it happens to doesn't feel shamed and lonely. 

Processing my grief has been a long road. I'm still working on it. When we learned that I was pregnant again, I had to process further. I guess I expected myself to get past the loss faster, particularly once my body was carrying another child. Why should I still long for the first baby when I now have this one who is growing so magnificently? Because they're not the same, I learned. I had dreams and hopes about the first child I was growing - that baby was already a person to me. And when I lost him, I lost all the things I'd been thinking of and wishing for that person. It's only natural that losing the first baby would affect my feelings about the next one, so when this pregnancy came along, I worried. I worried all the time, in every spare moment I had in which I wasn't sick or asleep. I tried really hard to be calm and trusting and accepting that my body could grow a healthy pregnancy, but I constantly would relive the profound sorrow of saying goodbye. In time, I passed the point I lost the first pregnancy and began to worry slightly less. Then I passed the end of the first trimester and started to really believe that a new family member would be born. Now we've passed our anatomy scan ultrasound and I've seen our little seal pup swimming inside me and it hits me like a ton of bricks that I love everything about this child. 

It bothers me that it took so long for me to see it. I feel guilt that this babe might have somehow felt that I wasn't all the way on board at the beginning. But I'm ready for you now, little selkie child. 

The time during and after the miscarriage, I thought fiercely to myself that if I ever (no, not if, WHEN, WHEN) became pregnant again, I would force myself to be grateful every day. I would cherish the time I got to carry another person within myself, to be responsible for growing another being. Funny, how when this pregnancy came along it shattered all the expectations of how I'd feel - because I felt like shit. That certainly wasn't in the plans. Some days, it was hard to remember that I felt so terrible BECAUSE I was growing another being. I didn't have any room for logic and reason. I didn't feel grateful, I felt angry because clearly, I'd paid my dues already by losing a pregnancy, shouldn't this one treat me nicely?! Turns out, it doesn't work that way. 

Now, we're already more than halfway through. Today, I'm so much closer to my own self again and I really am grateful about that. I no longer hate and resent all food - I can even cook food for myself! I can tolerate the smell of cooking food! I can boil water without it making my stomach heave! It's miraculous. The baby happily obliges me by fluttering and kicking and squirming around much of the day. My belly has begun to swell and really look like a round pregnant belly, despite how all my clothes make it look different than I perceive it. E enjoys talking about our baby and the things she will teach the baby (like how to crawl on sand into the ocean and do Crazy Eye). She's very good about being gentle with my abdomen and can hardly wait to feel the baby kicking. E also has started telling us that she's growing a baby in HER uterus, and her breasts will get milk, too. We've covered Biology 101 with her, but that hasn't deterred her enthusiasm for having a baby of her own. 

Today I feel all the things I wished I'd gotten to feel with that first child. I feel all the happy emotions I told myself I would feel when I got to carry another pregnancy. It may have taken me longer than I'd like, but I'm glad I made it. I can't promise how tomorrow will go, but for today, that's enough. 

A baby shower and an update

A few weekends ago was our baby shower!  It was a tad later than is considered "normal" to have a shower, as T was 35 weeks (at the time...), but our schedules and family schedules have been crazy!  Our good friend Deb offered to host the shower when we had just barely told her we were having a baby, and she lives in this awesome community where they have a kitchen and common room for large gatherings.  She put up with all our control issues gracefully and provided fantastic food and wisdom for us.  Thank you, Deb.  You've been an incredible friend for many years, and I count us as extremely fortunate to have you in our lives.

Our shower was full of love and laughter, carnitas tacos and chocolate buttermilk cupcakes.  Everyone gathered together to share food and stories and the atmosphere was thick with the love everyone has for us and for Evie.  It was nothing short of incredible.  I doubt I could ever thank the people who attended thoroughly enough for their generosity - especially the family and friends who came from a distance to spend the evening with us in celebration.

Many people wrote to Evie in her leatherbound "Love Letters" book that we've been writing to her in since her conception - I cherish these little notes.

We also had a table set up outside, where everyone rubber-banded onesies (and some shirts and socks) and tie-dyed them!  Check out what they all look like together:

Amazing, right?!  We love them, thanks to everyone who made one!

Not only did we come away from the shower with our hearts and bellies full, but our CR-V was full of gifts for Ever, too!  Wow, everyone.

There's just... it's overwhelming.  Whoa.  I can't help but feeling that everyone overspent, shouldn't have spoiled us so entirely.  Don't get me wrong, we are intensely thankful but at the same time, we just aren't accustomed to being so thoroughly at the center of so many presents and so much attention!

Now, T is 36 weeks 5 days.  Time continues to slip through my fingers and we find ourselves only one more day from the date that marks our Evie as "full-term".  I think I've spent much of T's pregnancy in a state of amazement, in awe of the human body and in awe of her body, specifically.  The creation of new life - what could be more impressive?

Since the baby shower, we've dropped off in our blog writing, in our social media participation, in many aspects of keeping in touch.  Our apologies.  The days have simply been packed full of things to do, places to go, and jobs to work.  The whole pregnancy, we've been saying that we need to clean out the office and make it into a guest room.  Of course, the nursery also needs finishing, and on top of those things we'd hoped to get all our carpet steam-cleaned.

Maybe there's always things that don't get accomplished on everyone's "Before Baby Comes" list.  Or maybe everyone else is less ambitious.  Or maybe they all had their houses in order before they got pregnant.  Or maybe they care less.  Who knows.  I am certain that there aren't enough hours in the day.  It gets quickly overwhelming when I think about all the little things I'd hoped to get done before little girl arrives, but I'm doubtful now.

Thankfully, the office/guest room is nearly finished.  Just in the organizing phase now, which is annoying and time-consuming and I can't watch the Olympics while I do it. The nursery is so close to being done, just waiting on some photographs for the walls.  (Her dresser is pleasantly filling up with clothes!  Amazing!)

Now for what you all want to know about: T and E!  T is exhausted much of the time now, and I keep trying to tell her that her job is only to keep cooking Evie and stay rested.  She is the eternal "do-er" and seems intensely frustrated by her tiredness and physical limitations.  Pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart, as it turns out.  Soon you'll be done with this part, love, and you can climb all the ladders and carry anything you want. Evie seems to be doing just peachy, she's very active and enjoys torturing T by stretching, punching, and kicking everything and everywhere.

At our most recent Centering class, the midwife mentioned that Evie had descended down into T's pelvis some and was positioned well.  We are so thankful she's head-down!  T's Braxton-Hicks contractions have been growing more and more intense, and it seems that her body is doing a lot of exercise in preparation for birth.

Last weekend we took some belly photos, I'd like to share them with you all:

And a couple teaser nursery photos!

The photographs on the wall are all courtesy of my mother, who spent all day watching her poppies blossom and taking amazing photos of them.  We are so pleased that all the photographs going on the walls in Evie's room were taken by my mother or T's mother; Evie has such incredible grandmothers and we are so glad for them.

Until next time... I hope life finds you all well.

Memories

As our nesting frenzy sets in further, one of the things I wanted to do was go through our many-compartmented Ikea entertainment unit and clean it out.  You see, after our foster kids left last December, we couldn't bring ourselves to empty all their toys and books and stuffed animals out.  Quilted cozily in a thick layer of dust, the shelves turned steadily from black to light brown as the months passed us by, all the toys staring out at us night after night as we sat on the couch.  Some days, it is a comfort.  Some days, a burden.

But no longer.  I needed to get it cleaned out, organized, and sorted.  I spent my afternoon pulling dusty toys and books out and sorting them into piles.  Trash.  Washing machine.  Keep, but put away.  Keep, and replace on the shelves of the unit.  Now, it stands clean and black once more, stocked with toys and books, awaiting its next little girl to provide hours of entertainment to.

Toys and books were given to us by family, knowing we needed toys for whatever foster kids would come our way.  I found myself receiving from my mother toys that belonged to myself and my brother.  Toys that belonged to my foster siblings from when I was growing up.  As the children before them had, our foster children loved and played with many of these hand-me-downs.  I held a Christmas teddy bear that belonged to my brother, fingers brushing dust from his velvet vest, and thought about how at one point I had a Christmas teddy bear-ette to be friends with this one.  I picked up the periwinkle stuffed dog I had as a kid, aptly named Perry.  I couldn't help but smile at all these memories I had for these toys, things that would never be billed as "keepsakes" per se, but toys that have lasted the test of time and have been much loved.  And then I think that someday in the near future, our daughter will lay her head down on Perry, or invite Christmas Bear to tea parties.  How incredible is that?  I don't know that most toys are so lucky to be so well-traveled, or be lucky enough to have so many children to care for.

Perhaps I sound like a broken record, but we've been thinking a lot about the last two kids, the ones who left as Ever was conceived.  T looked through our photo album of last year, and for the first time the photos afforded her a sense of comfort instead of sadness.  For this, we're thankful.

T is 31 weeks pregnant today.  31 weeks... only nine more weeks until Evie's due date and only six more weeks until she reaches full term.  We're feeling anxious about getting everything done, but my parents are coming to visit tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to help us get the giant vinyl wall decals put up in Evie's room.  We went on a mega shopping trip this afternoon to buy T more clothes that might actually fit her, as well as for some new shelves and lamps for our bedroom.  Who knew that maternity clothes could be so very infuriating?  Poor T.  It used to be charming and cute when clothes didn't fit, when her belly was small and pregnancy was still new and different.  Trust me, that is no longer the case.

The midwife told T yesterday that the baby was head down, which is fantastic and we're hoping she's brainy enough to be that way when T goes into labor.  We've been trying to figure out where she is, but honestly there are so many bumps and lumps!  They're hard to tell apart.  Little Ever gets hiccups frequently, and sometimes she even passes them on to T!  The Braxton-Hicks contractions continue, and seem to be gaining in numbers.

Soon, little one will make her grand entrance.  I am gradually becoming more impatient to see her sweet face, kiss her cheeks, and look into her eyes.  I am anxious for the day that she comes out of T and stops causing her discomfort.  Though I know she'll experience much more discomfort before baby gets here, I hope for her sake it's tolerable.  I worry about my love, and I hate that I cannot do more for her.

We will be taking photos soon, and I will be certain to share them here as T's belly has become quite impressive!  Have a great weekend, all.

California weekend

It's been awhile, eh blog?  I've missed you!

Things here have been as crazy as usual - and in some ways, crazier!  The first weekend in June we drove into Thousand Oaks, California for T's grandfather's wedding as well as some (not enough) beach time with the family.

First, we met up with T's cousin Ami and her boyfriend Ben for dinner - I'd never met them before, and they're wonderful!  I just wish we lived closer so we could hang out.

Both Grandpa and his new bride are widows (widowers?), and they are very sweet together.  It was lovely of them to invite us to come for their big day.

Me and T at the reception


Following the reception, we drove down to the beach town we were married in, Laguna Beach.  We took an awesome picture of T with her iPhone, but the iPhone sadly got left at the in-laws house tonight so you all are going to have to wait to see the great Laguna Beach lifeguard tower photo.

We spent a few hours wandering around our favorite haunts, including our very favorite shop, Art for the Soul.  Bought a couple of greeting cards there and were shooed out the door at closing time.  We got some gelato and sat on the boardwalk, freezing our butts off and loving every moment of the chilly salt air that blew through our thin Arizona clothes.  We'd hoped to have dinner in our new favorite cafe, but it was an hour and a half wait to eat so we decided to hightail it outta there and head to our hotel in nearby Dana Point, where T's family all were.

We picked up some dinner from the hotel restaurant and enjoyed an evening together with my brother and sister-in-law and our nephew Erik, my out-laws, and our littlest nephew Jon.

The next morning (after eating breakfast at a doughnut shop, of all places) we headed to the beach in Dana Point.  T and I dug out an area for her to sit in the sand and began building some sand castles.

After spending a few hours together on the beach (T's siblings and their kids were there, too!) it was time to leave.  We headed back home to Tucson.  A few hours into the drive, I noticed my face was starting to feel tight.  I thought to myself, "Yes, I must've gotten a little sunburned.  Oh well."

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Not just a little sunburned.  A LOT sunburned.  I had been wearing my sunglasses most of the time and so I had the supremely cool "raccoon" sunburn going on.  Not to mention where my pants had been rolled up - my shins and the top of my feet fried.  So did T's, as well as my very unfortunate mother-in-law, who received the worst of it by far.  She had sausage legs and feet for several days and is still recovering, over a week later.  My father-in-law had minimal leg burning, T got a bit of a burn on her face as well but it was not as rockin' as mine.  It is a really good thing I don't have a customer service job, haha.  I was frightening there for a few days.

Both on the drive to and fro, I continually was full of gladness.  I'm so fortunate to have someone who never is boring, someone who I never get tired of or need time away from, someone who laughs at my goofy jokes and humors me when I have crazy ideas for intricate photos.  Someone who understands what I need, someone who I can take care of and love on.  Someone who also wants to take care of me and be with me.  I recognize that these are all great qualities in your life partner, but I also see that not everybody has this in their life.  I'm glad for you, T.  And I'm glad for our tiny Ever, who is only going to make us a fuller family.

So for anybody who isn't counting the weeks carefully (or crazily, as I am...) T is 28 weeks along now.  That is very pregnant.  That is nearly seven months pregnant.  Evie is growing faster than ever, with about five or six pounds to gain yet.  That little fact sometimes is concerning, as poor T's belly already seems stretched to its limit.  We of course realize that it is NOT actually stretched to its limit, but it is very tight and Evie is quite insistent about moving around still.  We began to notice and feel her hiccuping in there last weekend, right when T sat down on the beach.  It's very adorable.  T may not think so, I don't know.

The belly button is an ever-evolving source of entertainment, as well.  It's totally flat most of the time, with a small purpley star in its center.  When her abdominal muscles contract, it pooches the belly button out a little bit and forces her belly into a cone shape, and that makes her laugh. We're interested to see if it ever really "pops" out.  There's still lots of time for that.

In our Bradley class (which has finally started becoming useful!) our homework this week was to pack a birthing bag for the birth center!  Insanity!  I mean, okay great, it's awesome and Boy Scoutish to be prepared and all, but eek!  Time to pack the birth bag means the baby will be here soon.  SOON.  Hmm.  Notice, I did not say that we'd actually packed the bag.  Mostly I've just been thinking about how that means the baby is coming soon.  But yes, the Bradley instructor is now going over laboring positions and pushing positions and birth-type scenarios, which is scary and exciting.  I'm glad to be DOING SOMETHING other than talking about nutrition and how much exercise is enough.

Speaking of Bradley homework, I have two chapters in the silly and outdated Husband-Coached Childbirth book to read.  Must go.

I promise, we'll be back soon, because we've got a lot of stuff to talk about and mull over and T will be writing a review on The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding here soon.

We love you all and hope you're doing well!

Rough Night

Just wanted to write a quick post about our adventures last night. It was scary, but everything seems to be fine now.

Right after I got home from work, I was going outside to check the mail.  The dog decided to follow me out (which he is well trained not to do).  I told him to go back in and he didn't so I turned to get him and take him back inside.  Evidently I moved too fast and lost my footing which made me tumble forward.  I really don't know how it all happened, it was too fast.  I took most of the force on my right hand and left knee, and somehow really hurt my ribs.  I did get my belly a bit which sent me into a nice long Braxton-Hicks contraction.

I stumbled inside and collapsed on the couch while I remembered how to breath and took inventory of my injuries.  My belly finally relaxed and the baby started kicking after a little while.  I texted A to let her know what happened and decided to wait to talk to the midwife until I was at our Centering Class later in the evening.

When it was our turn with the midwife I told her what happened.  She listened to the baby's heartbeat, which was normal and told me what their procedure was for belly trauma.  Since my belly didn't take the worst of the fall she wasn't sure if I could get away with skipping all the extra tests and had me talk to the other midwife at the clinic.  The second midwife said we should go to the hospital for monitoring, just in case.

The next 4 hours were spent at the hospital. The baby really didn't like the hours of doppler and kept kicking the monitor and moving so it wouldn't pick up her heartbeat. They also decided I needed to go ahead and get a RhoGAM shot since my blood is Rh negative even though the midwife though I could wait until the normal 28 weeks.  Once I finally had the shot we had a quick ultrasound to check fluid levels (which were perfect), and went on our way. 

Since then I have been quite sore and having more contractions than normal, but they aren't often or regular enough to raise any red flags.

So yeah, nice way to ring in the last trimester (which starts on Saturday)!

Dad's Birthday

Yesterday we drove up to visit with my family to celebrate my father's birthday!

We hit the Arizona Bike Week kickoff party at Buddy Stubbs' Harley Davidson dealership to wander amongst the thousands of motorcycles and listen to a band my parents love and follow, RIG.  We walked up to the entrance and stood in a winding line, waiting to be checked and wanded and carded and finally admitted.  The guy checking purses asked to see inside my mom's and T's purses.  When T opened hers to show him, the thing on top was a shiny red Braeburn apple.  He was visibly surprised by this, and looked at her and commented, "My, that's very health-conscious of you!"

In response, she said, "I've got a little - " and patted her hand to her dress to show that she was packin' a baby belly.  The guy laughed and smiled and said, "Wow, I didn't even notice that!  You wear it so well."

Also, we kind of stuck out like sore thumbs in the line, because we didn't realize we were going to be attending a Bike Week party, so we weren't dressed for the part!  T was gorgeously cute and round in a beautiful blue and white sundress with a navy blue button up top and black flats, my mom wore jeans and a bright pink long-sleeved shirt, and I was wearing jeans cut off at my knees and flip flops.  My dad and brother didn't stick out so much, as they were both wearing jeans and black shirts and Dad wore black leather boots, but I'm certain we were an interesting group of five, haha.  Everyone else wore jeans and boots and leather vests with patches and doo rags or bandannas folded and tied around their foreheads.

There was a rather frightening woman who wore low-rise jeans, unbuttoned, and boots, and nothing else.  Her breasts had been painted with the Harley bar and shield (poorly, I might add) and swung about as she thrust her chest out and proudly displayed herself to anyone caught looking.  She was very sun-browned and starting to get that leathery wrinkle that some people collect so vigorously.

It was really a fascinating crowd, on the whole.  Women who, dressed differently, would be considered elderly, wore leathers and drank beer and stomped their feet to the music.  Little 3 and 4 year old boys wearing jeans and Harley tshirts darted through the crowd, clinging to their fathers or grandfathers' leather vests while chasing one another.  Biker parents with biker babies wheeled strollers around the dealership.  The dealership even had a section with a bunch of Harley Davidson baby and kids' clothing.  It was simply awesome.

I especially loved the part where we wandered the dealership, sitting on these brand new and shiny Harleys and pretending that one day, I'd have one of my own.  I don't believe I ever will have one anywhere but in the daydreams my mind provides, but I'm okay with that.

We also ate well while visiting my family!  Two great restaurants, two great meals.  We hung out at their house, talking about everything that needed discussion.  My mom got to feel the Cupcake moving around in T's belly!  She began to understand why I sometimes refer to T's belly as "The Lump".

Overall, I had a great Saturday visiting with my parents and my brother.  I miss them; I hope for the second half of T's pregnancy we get to see them much more frequently.  

4 Months!

Okay, I guess *technically* T isn't four months along until tomorrow, but close enough.

Couple things happening in our lives right now!  First, T has been experiencing the baby moving around in there since last Friday!  She says at first, it was like maybe once a day she would feel like she was getting poked from the inside.  But now it's happening more and more; she thinks that when she first began to feel movement, it was only when the baby made a huge effort at it.  Now, she's beginning to feel enough subtlety that she's experiencing the "bubbles" or "flutters" that everyone claims is the first movement she would feel.

I keep hoping every day that maybe it'll be my turn to feel some of these pokes or flutters from the outside, but until that day happens I'm okay to wait.  Not too long though!

Sunday morning we were taking advantage of a lazy day, and stayed in bed reading after we woke up.  T placed my hand over her belly, and I was surprised to discover that there was only what could be described as a palm-sized lump in her lower abdomen.  Until now, it's always been kind of a generalized round belly that was pretty firm.  But this... was almost reminiscent of a tumor or something, haha.  It was amazing.  A few minutes later, she mentioned that the lump was in a different place.  I felt again, and indeed the baby lump was in a different place.  Over the next twenty minutes or so it went from being stretched out horizontally under T's belly button, to laying vertically on first the right side and then the left side, curled up in the middle, and then stretched out way down low.  At one point I even had my hand cupped over the lump, and T pressed into her belly just beside it and I actually felt the baby roll underneath my palm!

I can't help but look at this little lump in T's belly and be incredulous.  There really is a baby in there!  Whoa!

Which brings me to my next upcoming event: our anatomy scan is scheduled for April 3rd - TWO WEEKS away!  We are hoping to learn the sex of the baby.  If baby cooperates.

A common question surrounding learning the sex of our baby is, "Do you have a preference?"

You know, I used to.  I don't anymore.

I've hoped for years that our first baby would be a little girl.  There are reasons, but none of any real weight. I imagined that learning we were having a boy would disappoint me, and that fear drove me to request that we learn the sex of the baby before the birth.  It is important to me that the day of the birth is only a day of joy, not one with anything less than that.  Much less disappointment or resentment.

In the past week or two, I've spent a lot of time thinking about sex preferences.  I discovered that there is no reason for me to be disappointed over having a son first over a daughter.  I've known little boys and loved little boys, it isn't difficult for me to imagine having a son or loving a son.

I know that the sex of the baby is determined at the moment of conception - but knowing it doesn't always equal living it.  It finally hit me that wishing and hoping for a girl didn't do any good after we learned T was pregnant.  We're already getting who we are getting.  Our son or our daughter is already in there, we're already in love, so what does it matter which one it is?  I actually began to feel intense guilt about it.  That if we're having a boy, I've been wishing for someone other than him this whole time.  It isn't his fault he's a boy.    And ultimately I haven't been wishing for someone other than who's in there.  I want exactly who is already in there.  So whether this baby has boy-parts or girl-parts, it doesn't matter at all.

Now I'm just excited to learn which one it is!

Lastly, my domperidone finally came in after some drama with the pharmacy in New Zealand, so I ordered from another place in the UK.  So I've been taking the domperidone and the birth control since Friday, and now we're anxiously awaiting to see how severely the hormones are going to affect me.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed that I remain the unemotional, level person I always have been!  (Snicker.  Yeah...  Let's hope for NOT a crazed lunatic and call it a WIN.)

Okay.  That's been long enough.  I leave you with photos.  Happy first day of spring today!